Children, Chores and Conflict: Do They Really have to Go Together?

“Pick up your shoes.”  “Clean your room.”  “Put away your toys.”  “Set the table.”  Whenever, these directives cross your mind, odds are an internal battle begins.  Part of you believes the kids should be helping.  Yet it’s as though there is a war going on in your head.

• One voice shouts, “It’s good for them to help.   They’ll learn responsibility.”
• While another counters, “It’s not worth the fight.”
• Or, “I can do it ten times faster and better, if I just do it myself.”  
• And then again, there might be one with a tinge of guilt whispering, “They are too young, maybe later.”

Included in our top ten most frequently voiced power struggle scenarios, is chores.
Or, more specifically, “How do we get the kids to do chores without throwing down the gauntlet, hurling threats and screaming at one another?”

Winning cooperation begins with us ending the wrestling match in our head by figuring out, why we are bothering to include the kids in family chores in the first place.

It is true; you can do any of the aforementioned tasks more efficiently and effectively than your child.   However, by doing so you maybe, robbing your child of the opportunity to learn your family values.  

• For example, in your family do you believe; 
• It is important that everyone works together?  
• Or, do you want your child to learn to be responsible?  
• What about the ability to care for one’s self?  Is that an essential life skill you desire for the kids?  

Completing chores provide the opportunity to teach all of these lessons.

Once you clearly understand why you are putting forth the energy to include your children in chores, your confidence will rise.  When that occurs, the kids will resist much less than you might expect.  They sense, there is no way around this one.  So what can you expect at different ages?   Here is a list Lynn and I have put together as a potential guideline

Chores for Different Ages

Infants:

Yes, even babies can begin to “take responsibility.”  Before you whip off that sock, simply pull it off the 5-month-old’s heel and let him drag it off!  Before you drop your eleven-month-old's pants, stand her up, ask her to help tug them to her knees and let her push them to her ankles.  By slowing down and involving her, not only will you win cooperation, but you’ll be teaching the embryonic lessons of taking responsibility for self care.  

Toddlers: 

Lunch is finished at Paidea, Lynn’s child care center and all 12 toddlers, beginning at age 15 months of age, slide out of their chairs, stopping to dump their trash in the garbage can, put their cup in the sink and push their chair back in to the table.  It can be done.  The secret is taking the time to do it, every time.  

Here are a few more: 

• Handing you toys as you put them away on the shelf. 
• Getting their diaper for you to help them change. 
• Sorting socks or silverware from the dishwasher 
• Picking up shoes and putting them 
• Using little brooms and dustpans

Preschoolers: 

• All of the above 
• Beginning to pull up sheets and covers on their beds 
• Helping with yard work 
• Washing cars 
• Stirring, mixing , scrubbing potatoes or carrots, tearing lettuce
• Table setting 
• Clearing the table 
• Sorting laundry 
• Learning  to fold clothes 

School age: 

• Dusting
• Picking up their room 
• Vacuuming 
• Carrying out trash 
• Taking care of pets 
• Washing dishes 
• Loading the dishwasher 
• Helping  prepare meals 
• Baking  

Our list is just a “start.”  Please let us know what tasks your children are doing.   What strategies help you to slow down, and allow your children to discover what they can accomplish?  

When Your Child is Refusing to Do What She is Capable of Doing: Skill vs. Will

Typically five-year-old Andrew bounced out of bed in the morning, dressed and was ready for breakfast 15 minutes later, but on this morning when his mom greeted him with “Hey Buddy, how are you doing?”  He lost it, shrieking, “Don’t talk to me!  I hate you.”  Of course not two minutes later he was begging her to help him dress.  Not only did she not have time, since she normally didn’t need to assist him, but quite frankly she didn’t feel much like helping him out after he’d been calling her names.  Yet she knew if she ignored him and insisted he dress himself, since he was perfectly capable of doing so, things would only get worse.  But when she attempted to help him, his body went lax, making it impossible to get his pants on.  And when she had a go at wrestling him into them, he kicked her. 

There is a saying in the management guides: Some have the skill, but not the will.  Some have the will, but not the skill. 

Being cooperative and successful is a combination of having the skill and having the will.  

Since Andrew has dressed himself in the past and usually does so with little to no prompting when he “can’t dress himself” it’s pretty obvious he’s lacking the will. The question of course is why? 

This is where you have to slam on your brakes and resist the urge to push harder for compliance.  Instead stop and consider what’s “getting in the way.”

ü  Was there a late bedtime last night? 

ü  Is there something at school that’s causing him stress? 

ü  Did he wake up thinking it was a stay home day when it’s a school day? 

ü  Was he hungry because he didn’t eat much dinner last night?

ü  Is he coming down with something?

So swallow that scream, let your breath out slowly, know that if you take a few minutes to calm him and 

find out what’s going on, odds are you can easily re-ignite the “will” or at least win his cooperation if he 

needs a bit of help today.  Don’t worry, this will not develop into a “bad habit.”  You can let him know 

that you realize today he needs a bit of assistance, but soon you expect he’ll be raring to go on his own 

again.  

Sometimes however, what looks like a lack of will is actually a lack of skill.

It’s easy to be fooled.   For example, that writing assignment that would take a measly five minutes to 

complete if your child would just sit down and do it has now turned into a 45-minute tantrum including 

torn papers and a chair knocked over.  A knee jerk reaction is he’s just being lazy, or blatantly 

oppositional – just like your brother used to be – ok, still is - but behind those protests may be a hidden 

fine motor delay making it so draining and exhausting  to complete the task that he really can’t do it. The 

reality is he wants to do it and even realizes it would please both his teacher and his parents if he did – 

but he can’t.  

Then there is the child that you might swear hates playgrounds, but upon closer observation he’s 

stumbling and falling.  Struggling to climb, run or jump, or gets dizzy on a swing.  Dis-interest is actually 

masking a gross motor delay.  

Then there is the child that you might swear hates playgrounds, but upon closer observation he’s 

stumbling and falling.  Struggling to climb, run or jump, or gets dizzy on a swing.  Disinterest is actually 

masking a gross motor delay.  

So how do you know if it’s lack of will or skill?

You don’t without a bit of investigation. 

• If a child usually complies but isn’t doing what he’s been able to do in the past, odds are it’s a lack of will.

But that doesn’t imply he’s just being difficult.  There is a reason he is in “shut down” on this particular day and it’s not just to make you late for work or to “get you!”  

• If it’s an ongoing battle and he never wants to do it, 
• gives up quickly,
• or has never really been consistently successful, you’ll want to explore further that even though you might expect him to be capable at this age, he’s lacking the skill and needs more support.

The will is there, it’s just tucked behind the lack of skill.

Sometimes it is difficult to believe, but the reality is that children want to be capable and to please the adults in their lives. When they’re not cooperating it’s important to look for the real fuel source – whether it be will overwhelmed by stress, or a skill not yet developed.  There is always a reason and when you address it you’ll soon gain the cooperation you desire.  

Jumping on the Couch

Dear Dr. Mary and Lynn:

We have been using the "time out" discipline method for our spirited 27-month-old. An example is that he loves to jump on our couch, which is obviously dangerous. When I see that I tell him that I'm counting to three and then he's going to get a time out if he's still jumping when I get to three.  He'll laugh, count to three with me and then run into his bedroom shouting happily "TIME OUT!" and shut the door. Two minutes later when I open the door, he's sitting in the rocking chair happily reading "Pete the Cat" to himself. It doesn't seem like the time-out method is eliciting the reaction we were looking for and it doesn't seem like much of a punishment for him. Since we've been warned time and time again about not using corporal punishment, I'm just not sure what our other options are. Would love your help!

~ Susan

Dear Susan: 

We love your son’s spirit!  What’s important to remember about toddlers is that everything in their brain is telling them, “Do it!  Try it!  Find out what will happen!”  That’s why words alone will never stop them. 

Next time you see him jumping on the couch, go to him.  Let him know that you see he needs to jump. Understand that he likes that hard sensory input from jumping.  This is a good thing.  You just don’t want him jumping on the couch.  So instead of sending him to time-out re-direct him to a mini bouncer, a cushion on the floor or some other suitable place for him to jump.  Once you’ve established the acceptable place anytime he begins jumping somewhere else, redirect him to that mini bouncer or cushion.  You might also help him “remember” by downloading the image of stop sign from the internet, printing it out and putting it on your couch for him to see.  Visual reminders really make a difference.

The second thing to remember is that the purpose of a time out is to take a break and calm down. It’s a tool for helping a child move from the “red zone” of tense energy to the “green zone” of calm energy, rather than to punish or make him suffer.  We realize this is different from the idea of “go rot and be miserable in your room for a while.”  And that’s why for us, time out means take a break in a comfortable spot, look at a book and when you are calm come back to work this through.  He doesn’t have to be miserable.  Once he is calm then you can do a “redo” teaching him the words and actions you want him to use instead of those he did.  Learning doesn’t come from forced separation or punishment.  Learning comes from knowing what to say or do that would be more appropriate.  The “redo” is where the learning is not isolation or tears. 

What's the "Wild" Behavior All About?

Dear Dr. Mary and Lynn:

I just read your blog about the child who becomes very quiet the first few weeks of school.   I have the opposite problem.  My spirited son becomes very hyperactive on the lead up to school and in the first weeks back too. All his emotions become extreme. If he is happy or excited he runs around making noise, becomes reckless with toys so that often they are broken. If he is sad, or angry about something it’s all screaming, yelling, stomping and trying to argue the point at the top of his voice.  This sort of behavior is always common just in that 2-3 week period on returning back to school.  Can it be explained and how can we manage it?  ~Amanda

Dear Amanda:

This is a perfect example of needing to look behind the behavior to discover the “real” fuel source.  When your son is whirling around the room unable to focus, it is an indication he is in the “red zone.”  The challenge is that children do not always demonstrate the same behavior in the “red zone.”  Some go into the “shut down” mode, which is what we described in our last blog post.  But this is not the only response.  Other children instead of “shutting down” go into,   “I’m ready to fight mode.”  This is what you’re seeing. The blood is in his muscles.  He needs to move. He’s prepared to dispute any point.  But underlying both of these frustrating and puzzling reactions is the SAME emotion – anxiety. 

So how do you make it better?  The strategies are the same.  Recognize he is feeling uncomfortable and will feel much better if he knows what to expect.  Whether it’s a school, child care center or any other new place or event take these steps to help him stay in the “green zone” of calm energy. 

• Visit the building before the first day.
• Meet the adult in charge
• Find the bathrooms, cafeteria, lockers and where he will go when he first enters
• Ask who else will be there so he can look for a friend

But don’t stop there:

• Then create a plan of how, you will drop him off, or he’ll walk into the building or board the bus.  Include a clock depicting what time you’ll pick him up. 
• Invite him to draw out the plan like a 4-6 frame cartoon so he can “see it”
• Tuck the drawing into his pocket so he can carry it with him. 

The better prepared he is, the more confident he will feel thus, allowing his body to relax and his brain to say, “I’m safe.  I can stop and focus now.” 

Misbehavior or Developmental Task?

Dear Dr. Mary and Lynn:

Yesterday, I told my toddler not to touch the entertainment center. She looked right at me, laughed and then did it again. Lately this has been happening every day. She knows better. Isn't this blatant misbehavior? How should I respond?  Becca

Dear Becca:

It really can feel that way, and may even be frightening too if you project forward and wonder if she is like this at 2 what will she be doing at 14! Fortunately you can take a deep breath, relax and even celebrate that your daughter has reached a new stage of development that you'll be guiding her through. She really is not “out to get you."

Everything in a toddler's brain is screaming, "Do it. Find out what will happen!" That's her developmental task, which is why words alone will never stop her. Your toddler is trying to figure out what the rules are around here. She doesn't learn this from trying something one time. Instead she will try it over and over again to make certain your response is always the same. It doesn't matter who is there, mom, dad, grandma, or the childcare provider, nor the time of day, she'll keep testing to figure out what the rule is.  So your job as the adult in her life is to always be sure the rule is the same. If you say, "Stop,” not only do you need to say it, but get up, go to her and help her stop. In the process you are going to be telling yourself, "She is learning what is okay and what is not. She has to practice to learn. This is a lot of work but not a plot against me. By following through I'm teaching her she can count on me to do what I said I would do. In the long run this is really going to be worth it."

The real magic is as soon as you say, "Stop," give her the "do." "Stop, here's your button." Then show her the toy remote or cell phone you have for her. If she resists - which is likely because she's really smart - follow through with empathy, "I know you really like those buttons, but here are your buttons.”  You'll notice we are not advising you to say, "Stop, do not touch the entertainment center." We're not even mentioning it, we're simply focusing on stop and do.

Question: When a toddler smiles at us and then does what we asked her not to do, it really can feel like she is intentionally trying to antagonize us. Do you believe a toddler has the ability to consciously think, "This is going to drive them crazy?" How do you keep yourself calm so you can follow through?

Car Seat Wars

Dear Dr. Mary and Lynn:

My three-year-old son Nate never simply gets into his car seat.  First he has to climb into the front seat and “drive.”  Then a toy on the floor will catch his attention and he will insist on checking it out.  Of course the book he wants has been left in the house.  The simple act of getting into the car is now taking a minimum of 15 minutes.  But if I try to hurry him or refuse to let him climb into the front seat he screams and arches his back making it impossible to strap him into the car seat.  I can’t be late for work every morning.  Help!  Kim

Dear Kim: 

You might be feeling like you are the only parent who can’t get your child into his car seat, but you are not alone.  There are many little dawdling protestors out there making getting to work a real challenge.  So let’s get out of those car seat wars.

Settling into a car seat is very important from a safety perspective.  When a behavior is unsafe, it is a time for us to be predictable and firm so the child learns this is not a time for negotiation.  Traveling by car also happens frequently so it’s critical to make the entry and exit a smooth transition.  

Begin by talking with Nate about the importance of getting into his car seat cooperatively.   Together make a visual plan, using drawings and photos to show each step.  The steps might include, walking to the car, opening the door (adult’s job), climbing in the seat, sitting down and buckling up.  Include as the last step something fun,  such as discussing what topic you’ll talk about while driving, or what song he would like to hear.  By doing this you clearly let him know what is expected.  Without this information, he can’t cooperate because he doesn’t know what the expectations are.  Our experience has shown us that  a conversation and a simple visual plan can truly set you both up for success.

Question:  Share your experiences.  What problems have you faced and how have you taught your child what behavior is expected?