3 Tips for Keeping Your Cool

“I promised myself I was not going to yell at her again,” Kristin confessed.  “But sometimes it is as though it erupts from me. The force of it shocks me.  I keep wondering, who is this?”

How is Kristin supposed to keep her cool on the days it feels like her child is gunning for her?  How is she supposed to stop the rush of her own emotions?  It is not easy.  But it is possible.

Researchers use the term “self-regulation” to describe the ability to stay calm in the “heat of the moment.”  The problem is your body doesn’t know the difference between a tiger stalking you, and your child refusing to do what you just asked.  It reacts the same way.  Your heart and pulse rate escalate, blood pressure rises, stress hormones rush into the system and breathing quickens.  All of which leads to “tunnel vision.”  Suddenly your brain is looking for the “enemy.”  You stop listening. 

Avoid making eye contact.   Don’t want to be touched.  And lose your ability to problem solve or think creatively.  

Fortunately the brakes required to stop you from

automatically going into this “fight or flight” response are like a muscle.  

The more you exercise them the stronger they get.

So how do you strengthen the brakes?  

1.  Practice when emotional stakes are low.     

Why do worms live in the ground?  Why are people bigger than bugs? Why are there stop signs on school buses?  The repetitiveness of these seemingly inane questions can drive you a bit crazy, but within lays a gift.  It is unlikely you are emotionally involved with the topics and the kids are calmer too.  As a result these questions provide an opportunity to stop, tune in, and listen without the added challenge of a trailer full of your own emotions pushing from behind.  

2.  Share experiences.  

The next time your child asks, “Why” use it as an opportunity to extend the conversation.  Instead of reacting with statements like: “Because.”  Or, “I don’t know.” Or, “Enough, no more questions.” Take the conversation deeper.   Ask questions that engage both you and your child such as: 

“I don’t know.  What do you think?”      

“I wonder if it could be this?” 

“What else could it be?”     

Studies show that people who focus on experiences have higher levels of satisfaction, long after the moment of the experience has passed.  

3.  Savor the memories. 

True excitement and learning come from entering your child’s world and train of thought. These moments build family memories.   When you take the time to savor the good times you remember the sparkle in your child’s eyes.  How his face beamed with pleasure.  The delight of those conversations strengthens the “muscle” of your emotional brakes.  Blood pressure drops.  Heart rate slows to a deep loving thump in your chest.  

Then in that split second when your child’s why question is a more irritating, “Why do I have to..?”  

Instead of surging with negativity and frustration, that sweet innocent face will flash before you.

You like this child who engrosses you in the wonders of her world.

Taking that deep breath and stopping to listen is no longer quite so difficult - even in the “heat of the moment.”

Why Do They Behave for Others and Leave me Feeling Like a Parent Failure?

“She was fine until you arrived.”  “He doesn’t act that way with me.”  “You must be too easy on him.”  “I just don’t let him get away with it.”  Ever find yourself silently screaming wondering why your child behaves for others and falls apart the minute you walk in the door?  Are you an unfit parent?  Are you a failure?  Or, do these comments signify that you are doing a GREAT job!

When your child experiences a meltdown or stomps his feet in protest if you ask him to do something – which he just did earlier for someone else – it’s easy to feel like you should just throw in the towel and find your child a different parent!  Lynn and I would like to offer you another perspective. 

It is NORMAL for children to throw tantrums, refuse to cooperate and fiercely object to requests to do things they do not wish to do. 

It does NOT mean you are a failure, it simply signifies your child is practicing new skills and he’s not quite proficient yet.  And because you have formed a strong bond with him he feels most comfortable practicing with you!

So next time you hear one of those excruciatingly grating comments, rather than taking it personally or as an affront to your ability as a parent smash that pang of guilt.  Instead switch your reaction from your heart to your head.  Doing so will allow you to step back and recognize in awe that your child has been using the skills that YOU taught him.   But now exhausted from the strain of all this work he feels comfortable falling apart with you – his safe haven.   Soon you’ll teach him to hold it together five minutes longer so you can get him in the car before it happens, but that will come later. 

When you look at behavior as “developing skills” rather than intentional acts to drive you wild it is so much easier to keep your cool.

Instead of being frustrated by his actions you can appreciate how he’s thinking, or figuring out what will happen or striving to express his emotions.   You will recognize that he’s learned some of the skills to do so appropriately and is continuing to work on others.  This then allows you to step in and calmly teach – this way, not that way honey – let’s try that again!

This is how the emotion coach thinks.  She recognizes that a child who throws the puzzle against the wall in frustration is not an ill-mannered little monster, but has not yet learned how to express frustration without destroying things.  It is a skill that can be taught. 

You as her parent and emotion coach are not powerless.  She’s not “bad.” She just isn’t adept yet.

When you think this way you begin to recognize that every situation provides an opportunity for teaching.  When your child fails to finish his assignment on time you won’t feel defeated or worry that you are raising a procrastinator, an intractable character flaw.  Those negative thoughts will be replaced with the recognition that he is simply lacking the knowledge or the ability to execute time management skills.  

But you can teach him!

Even when your child throws a whopping, ear splitting fit as an emotion coach you’ll understand he is working on self-control.  From this perspective you can even see his progress.  He is now able to keep it together if he’s well rested.  Or, in busy public situations he’s coping for up to an hour.  It used to be a mere 30 minutes.  And even when he does lose it he’s beginning to recover much more quickly. 

Your chest will swell with pride as you revel in the awareness that your daughter is practicing how to assert herself when she insists, “You can’t make me!” 

It is evident a few lessons in “tact” are still needed,  but it is clearly apparent that when she’s 16 and her peers suggest she skip school she will have the confidence to assert strong boundaries and firmly say, “No!” 

 And when the teacher refers to your child as “stubborn” because he refused to jump into the pool on the first day of lessons instead of flushing in embarrassment you’ll celebrate his caution knowing that as he grows older he will not be impulsive.  You will simply need to teach him that rather than shouting and kicking to make his point, to ask, “May I please have a minute to watch first?” 

It’s true, it’s not easy to be an emotion coach and just like your child you are still practicing those skills every day.   Sometimes you are quite competent, other days it’s more of a struggle. 

 But when you allow yourself to be an emotion coach and see behavior as a reflection of developing skills your own confidence soars. 

You realize you can get information to assist you.  You can find supportive people to help you practice.  In fact you can get those things right here from this blog as we continue to link behavior issues with skills to be learned.  We’ll even break them down into manageable steps so you can celebrate your progress.

So next time someone jabs you with a pointed comment or your confidence as a parent has dropped into a deep freeze of self-loathing, remind yourself, you are an emotion coach. 

You are teaching skills, which means that sometimes your child, who is still learning, will fall apart.  That’s NORMAL!   

Progress not perfection is our goal.

When we need to calm first

 Moving from Meltdowns to Teamwork  

You have asked your child to pick up his toys and he’s refusing.  The mantra “choose to connect” is echoing in your brain as you move toward him to follow through.   You take the deep breath, remembering to listen for understanding first before asking him to listen to you.  “What’s up?” you ask. That’s when he drops into a full-fledged meltdown, screaming and kicking at you.  This was not in the script running through your head. 

It would be really easy at this point to yell back at him.  Some days that might even feel great to do – at least for the moment, but in the end you know it’s not where you want to go.  This is when you have to remind yourself that you will ultimately get him to clean up because working together is an important value in your family.  You will also teach him that even if he is frustrated or angry it’s not acceptable to throw one’s self on the floor kicking and screaming. 

Trouble is before any of those lessons can begin you’ve got to calm him down.  Trouble is before any of those lessons can begin you’ve got to calm him down. 

Planning for success matters: Set up calming baskets

Fortunately for you, you have been proactive.  Previous to this moment, when all was tranquil the two of you created a calming basket. 

• Together you filled it with things that help him feel peaceful inside.  There’s a stuffed animal, his favorite truck, Legos, a book and trains. 
• You talked about this moment, explaining that if there was a time he was really sad, or really mad that he could go to the basket and choose anything in it to play with until his body felt calm.
• You’d even play acted stomping your foot and being really mad and moving to the calming basket. 

Now you are thanking your lucky stars that it’s sitting right over in the corner.   It’s easy for you to say, “I can see you are not ready to clean up.  You need to go to your calming basket until your body is quiet and you are ready to work together.  You can let me know when you are ready.” 

  

The great thing about your proactive planning is that the basket is right there (you put one on each level of the house), you don’t have to drag him up the stairs to his room.  Nor shut a door knowing he’d just kick it anyway and then you’d be angry that he’s destroying his room.  But here’s the challenge.  He actually goes to the calming basket and is now playing happily with his Legos.   You are amazed and elated, but then a thought creeps into your head. 

Shouldn’t he be suffering?  Isn’t this supposed to be a punishment?  Let’s see a little misery here.

Do we have to suffer to learn?

It’s an interesting question and one we often debate in our parent groups.  But Lynn and my philosophy is that children do not have to be punished, nor do they have to be miserable.   They just need to do what they were originally asked to do in an appropriate manner.   After they are calm, if they didn’t clean up, they’ll need to go back and clean up.  If they hit someone when trying to get a toy, they’ll have to go back and use words to ask, “May I please have a turn?”  If they threw something, they’ll have to roll it, or hand it over respectfully. 

But it’s not easy to watch them happily snuggling with their blanket or even tougher if they’ve asked you to hug them while they calmed.  It can feel like they are getting away with something, or being reinforced for poor behavior.   This is why you don’t stop here.

Once your child tells you he’s ready, you follow through.  “Do you want to put away the blocks or the books?” you offer, as he then helps you to pick up.  That’s it.  Lesson learned. 

But what if he tells you he’s ready and he’s really not?

• This is where you describe what you see and hear that tells you he is still in the “red zone.”  
• “I can still hear the mad tone in your voice.”
• Or, “I I can still see the tension in your body or the angry look on your face.” 
• Then you direct him back to his basket and say, “This time, I will decide when you are ready.” 

Teach what it means to be calm:

Once he’s back at the calming basket, you watch knowing that you will teach him what you are going to see or feel or hear that lets you know he is now calm. 

• “I will be able to know you are ready when:

o   Your voice is happy again,

o   Or your shoulders are relaxed,

o   Or you can look at me and talk to me,

o   Or your body is not moving fast,

o   Or you are not kicking your legs.” 

Wait:  The first few times you do this it can take a long time, so start on the weekend, when you don’t have to be anywhere.    It may be 15 minutes, perhaps even an hour initially before you can state, “Now I see you are ready.  Your body is still.  Your voice is calm.  You can try again.” 

We know you are thinking to yourself, “I don’t have time for this!”  But if you make time for it, what happens is your child begins to be able to predict what’s going to happen if he doesn’t work with you.  Suddenly he doesn’t even have to go to his calming basket; he just stops and tries again.  What’s funny is that when this begins to happen parents often come back to us complaining.  “He just stopped and did what I asked!”   When we inquire, “What’s the problem?”  There is a long pause and that lingering question – shouldn’t he have to suffer? 

Or, is it acceptable to simply learn that if mom or dad asks you to do something, you do so respectfully and appropriately, otherwise he or she will wait you out while you calm and then you’ll just have to do whatever they asked anyway.  Lesson learned?  Mom and dad are predictable which builds trust and keeps your child working with you even during the tough times. 

Next time…. How to respond when your creative little one comes up with the third option you didn’t offer!  Yet despite your best intentions, when you ask your child to pick up his toys, he refuses.  

Keeping Your Cool

Dear Dr. Mary and Lynn: 

It's hard to give my spirited daughter time to process emotions, because her actions push me away, when really, I think she wants me close.  It's so hard to be near her at those moments. I need time to process at that point... Tatum

Dear Tatum: 

Whenever Lynn and I are working together I’m always amazed at how quickly she notices a child is upset.  Once on a playground she stopped as we passed a little girl on a swing and asked her, “What’s up?”  “They won’t play with me.” The child whimpered, pointing to a group of girls near the fence.  Incredulous I asked Lynn, “How did you know she was distressed?”   “There was a little line between her brows,” she replied.  Then laughing, she explained, “I can ‘feel’ the intensity of others and knew to look.” 

The “red zone” of intensity is catchy and that’s what is happening to you, Tatum.  It’s a natural reaction.  We’re mammals and if someone in the “herd” is sending out vibes that something is “up,” our system automatically gets ready to fight or flee too.  But we don’t have to go there.  This is where we, the adult take the deep breath, recognize the child is struggling to bring her arousal system back into balance and know we can help.  It is not easy, because all too frequently the messages we are hearing in our head are things like, “Here we go again.”  Or, “I have no idea what to do.” Or, “This is so embarrassing, everyone is watching.”  Or, “I can’t believe she is treating me this way.”  These messages can leave us feeling powerless and angry and as a result just increase our own intensity. 

We can teach ourselves to screen that self-talk and change it to messages like, “This is inappropriate behavior and I am going to deal with it – but right now is not a teachable moment.  First I have to calm her.”  We can also remind ourselves that listening does not mean giving in – it’s seeking understanding.  Trying to figure out what is she feeling or needing so we can determine what words and actions we’ll need to teach her to express them more appropriately next time. 

So in the future try your best to stay “tuned –in.”  When you first feel that “twinge” in your gut, don’t ignore it.  Check out that “line between the brows.”  The earlier you catch it, the easier it is to calm your child.  If you innocently miss it and she’s upset, remind yourself, just like when she was a baby and needed help calming, she needs it now.  Let her know you’ll stay nearby, but you can see she needs space.  Remind yourself she doesn’t like to feel this way.  It’s very uncomfortable to her too.  If she’s hitting at you, hold her hands and stop her.  Keep your voice calm.  “I’m listening.  I will help you.”  Let go when you feel her body relax.  Be silent.  Know that like you, talking or too much stimulation makes it harder for her to calm. 

When she’s back in balance and her body is relaxed, that’s when you will do a “re-do” helping her to understand what she was feeling in that situation, then teaching her the words and actions that would be more appropriate next time she feels that way and finally actually practicing with her. 

By doing this, you will be modeling and directly teaching how to keep your cool – even in the “heat of the moment.”  And then don’t forget – get yourself to bed.  This is so much easier if you’re well rested!