Welcome to our blog!

Welcome to our blog.  We’ve created it in response to your “gentle nudges.”  We want it to be interactive so we hope you’ll use the comment box to let us know what you are thinking and to ask your questions. 

You can expect from us information based on the latest research and practical strategies we’ve learned from decades of working with parents and children.  Our philosophy is that each child is a unique bundle of temperament, development and possibilities.   You can count on us to help you discover more about who has come to be with you.  And just as you’ve “nudged” us to start blogging, we’ll nudge you to gain insights into your child, their cues and behavior as well as your own. 

Our research-based strategies will help you to build strong, healthy relationships that will keep you emotionally connected with your children for a lifetime.  We take a family approach knowing that any strategies have to work not only for your child but your entire family as well.  You’ll find them positive, supportive and respectful.  Truly they will help you to get out of the power struggles and win together for a lifetime. 

So help “nudge” us forward by sending your questions and we’ll gently encourage and assist you in becoming the competent and confident emotion coach your child needs to fully develop the gifts he/she has been given.    

Car Seat Wars

Dear Dr. Mary and Lynn:

My three-year-old son Nate never simply gets into his car seat.  First he has to climb into the front seat and “drive.”  Then a toy on the floor will catch his attention and he will insist on checking it out.  Of course the book he wants has been left in the house.  The simple act of getting into the car is now taking a minimum of 15 minutes.  But if I try to hurry him or refuse to let him climb into the front seat he screams and arches his back making it impossible to strap him into the car seat.  I can’t be late for work every morning.  Help!  Kim

Dear Kim: 

You might be feeling like you are the only parent who can’t get your child into his car seat, but you are not alone.  There are many little dawdling protestors out there making getting to work a real challenge.  So let’s get out of those car seat wars.

Settling into a car seat is very important from a safety perspective.  When a behavior is unsafe, it is a time for us to be predictable and firm so the child learns this is not a time for negotiation.  Traveling by car also happens frequently so it’s critical to make the entry and exit a smooth transition.  

Begin by talking with Nate about the importance of getting into his car seat cooperatively.   Together make a visual plan, using drawings and photos to show each step.  The steps might include, walking to the car, opening the door (adult’s job), climbing in the seat, sitting down and buckling up.  Include as the last step something fun,  such as discussing what topic you’ll talk about while driving, or what song he would like to hear.  By doing this you clearly let him know what is expected.  Without this information, he can’t cooperate because he doesn’t know what the expectations are.  Our experience has shown us that  a conversation and a simple visual plan can truly set you both up for success.

Question:  Share your experiences.  What problems have you faced and how have you taught your child what behavior is expected? 

Consequences

Dear Dr. Mary and Lynn: 

Help!  My four-year-old son starts screaming the minute something doesn’t go his way. There is no “wind-up” he just lets loose and within seconds he’s screaming and flailing, trying to kick and hit me.  Yesterday I told him he couldn’t have chips and he totally lost it.  I feel so helpless.  Nothing seems to work.  He screams so loudly that I usually end up giving him what he wants just to stop him. But then I feel awful for “giving in.”  Rachel

Dear Rachel:

You can trust your gut.  You feel awful afterward because you know your son is not treating you respectfully.  You can expect respect, but in order to teach him how to ask for what he needs appropriately you have to calm him down first.  Instead of giving him what he wants draw him to you by saying, “I’m listening.  I will help you.”  Describe what you think he wants or needs.  “You really want chips.”  Or, “You are really hungry.”  You’re not giving in you are just empathizing.  You can continue by saying, “I will help you, but we can’t do anything until your body is calm.  I will know you are calm when your voice is soft and your body is still.”  If needed, hold his arm so he can’t hit you, or hold him with his back against your chest so he cannot kick or bite you.  If he screams, “let go” tell him you will as soon as his body is calm.  When you feel his body quiet teach him the words you want him to use.  “You can say, ‘Mom, may I please have some chips?’”  Then ask him, “Do you want to say it, or do you want to listen while I say it?” If he wants to listen while you say it, let him know that next time you will expect him to use those words.  Once he repeats the question politely, or listens while you say it, go ahead and give him some chips– the lesson today is about working together.  On another day we’ll work on more nutritious snacks. 

Question:  Do you think this is how children learn, or do they need to “suffer” some consequence?