Taking the “Fight” out of Bed and Naptime: Establishing a Routine that Puts Mother Nature on Your Side

A good night’s sleep doesn’t begin with your bedtime routine.  It starts in the morning.  All day long we make decisions that either help to “set” the body clock, allowing the brain to know when to be awake and when to be asleep, or innocently disrupt it.  When the body clock is disrupted your child may appear to “fight sleep,” turning nap and bedtime into a marathon wrestling match that leaves everyone even more exhausted.

Five key steps to make falling asleep easier

1. Establish a regular wake time.  
Wake time is the cornerstone of your routine.  It’s also something you can control.  You can’t make a child fall asleep but you can wake him up.  It’s from this waking point that all other things revolve so look at your schedule.  Take note of the earliest time your child has to wake during the week and make that your wake time seven days a week.  Otherwise that day starts a slide into sleep deprivation.  You can allow a 30 minute variation, but once the wake time begins to waver an hour or more, your child gets thrown into jet lag.  His brain has no idea what time it’s supposed to wake up.

2. Serve six mini meals a day.  
Regular meals set the body clock.  Ellyn Satter at the Satter Institute recommends serving children six regularly scheduled mini meals a day. Each meal contains a little protein, carbohydrates, fruit/vegetables and fat.   Meals are served about two-and-a-half to three hours apart.  Your job is to decide what foods are served, when and where.  Your child’s job is to decide which foods to eat and how much.  (The limit is set by how much is in the bowl on the table.  Once it’s gone, there are other food choices on the table.)  Don’t fight over food.  Instead sit down and enjoy it together.

3. Get outside for exposure to morning light and exercise.  
Morning light sets the body clock.  Exercise at the right time, meaning not right before sleep, allows your child to be tired and ready for sleep.

4. Protect naps.
Skipping naps, or eliminating naps altogether can too often lead to over-tired kids whose adrenaline system activates to keep them going.   That child who is too wild to sleep is actually an over-tired child.  See the blog on sleep cues to catch your child’s window for sleep.

5.  Maintain a regular sleep time.  
Know how much sleep your child needs, watch for cues (see earlier blogs for this information) and with that knowledge in hand establish a bedtime that you follow seven days a week.  If exceptions need to occasionally be made, expect that two nights later you’ll be struggling with your child to fall asleep.  It can take several days to recover, depending on your child’s natural body rhythm, so the more consistent you can be the easier it will be for your child to fall asleep.  

Five bonus steps to make it even faster 

1. Provide cognitive and social stimulation.
Both your child’s body and mind must be tired for sound sleep.  Plan activities, join groups, and have fun.

2. Be selective about the use of electronics.  
Light sets the body clock.  Sitting in front of a screen can actually “trick” the body into thinking this is the middle of the day – not time for sleep.  Avoid electronics in the evening and keep all electronics out of the bedroom.

3. Keep the bedtime routine simple.
Frequently bedtime routines can turn into such lengthy endeavors that your child is past her window for sleep before it’s finished.  Move bath and reading time to “evening activities.”  Doing so allows the actual bedtime routine to be a simple: snack, toileting, pajamas, teeth, snuggle, kiss and good night.  Adjust to fit your family but keep it short – not longer than 20 minutes.  That makes it easy to hit the window for sleep.

4. Expect your child to require slightly less sleep in the spring and summer.
When days are long our brain likes to stay awake longer.  This may require an adjustment of 20-30 minutes later for your child’s bedtime.  Expect to move it back 20-30 minutes earlier in the fall and winter.

5. Maintain your routine seven days a week. 
The more consistent your routine the stronger your child’s body clock is “set” for sleep times.  Even an hour variation can create “jet lag” and as a result play havoc with your child’s body clock.  An inconsistent or erratic schedule is actually even more detrimental than sleep deprivation.  So maintain that schedule seven days a week.  Then enjoy your “adult” time while the kids get the sleep they need.

Struggling to Get Your Kids to Sleep? Catch the Cues to Make it Easier

If nap or bedtime at your house has become a marathon wrestling match requiring more than 45 minutes of struggle to get the kids down, there may be a simple solution.  Catch the cues – earlier.  

When children don’t easily fall asleep, it can feel like they are refusing to sleep.   The reality is they can’t.   Each of us has a sleep window.  It’s typically about 15-30 minutes wide, during which time it is easiest for the brain to switch to sleep.  

When you hit the “window for sleep” the average child falls asleep within 27-35 minutes.

Put children to bed too early and they will lie wide awake or throw a conniption.  More likely you may be putting your children to sleep too late and as a result they are over tired and too stimulated to sleep.  The trouble with children who are over tired is that they send out mixed up cues.  Instead of getting drowsy they get wired.  They squeal gleefully as they chase the cat in circles around the kitchen or jump on the bed instead of lying down. Making you think they are not tired.  When in actuality they are over tired.  Ask them to stop and the odds are they won’t even hear you, or if they do will respond by stomping their feet and declaring, “You can’t make me,” or simply fall into a heap on the floor, sobbing.  

If you observe closely however, you can learn to identify the sounds, gestures and behaviors that point out to you the ideal time to put your child down for sleep.  Initially the cues may seem way too subtle and difficult to notice. But once you identify them they are like a red flag waving in the air – sleep NOW!  You’ll know you are hitting your child’s sleep window when you are putting to bed a child who is still happy and relatively compliant and she falls asleep within that 27-35 minute time frame. 

There are 3 levels of sleep cues:

• Level one is the point to put down infants birth to 9-months of age 
        o For children 10 months and older level one is a “heads up” I’m getting tired but                       not quite ready for sleep.  
• Level two is when to put down the child 10 months and older 
        o Do not wait for the second yawn/eye rub etc.  
• Level three is over tired – the window for sleep has been missed.  Next time plan to               begin the sleep routine earlier.  

Here are some cues to look for:

Level one	Level two	Level three
Red around the eyes	Yawn	Silly and wild
Slight sagging of cheeks	Little difficulty listening but not too bad	Nothing is right
Glazed look/staring off into space	Rubs eyes or pulls on earlobe	Not following direction
Momentary slowing of motion	Goes for comfort object	Not listening
Slight drooping  of eye lids	Stumbles	Crying
Change in skin color/pallor	A little difficulty complying but not too bad	Unable to settle or fall asleep
Makes a certain sound	Loses focus – starts to flit from one activity to another – seems bored	Arching/thrashing
Looks away from you	A little irritable	Hyper and frenzied motion
	Lays head down	Falling apart
	Seeks contact with you	Screaming
	Still relatively happy/not crying	Resistant

When you see the appropriate level of cues for your child’s age group begin your sleep routine. Keep it VERY simple.  Bedtime snack, pajamas, toileting/diapering, teeth, one story or no story, snuggle, kiss, prayer (if you say prayers in your family) and good night.  That’s it.  

You’ll notice extensive reading is not included in the routine nor bath.  That’s because these activities too easily can push a child past his sleep window.  Who wants to stop reading when a child is begging for more books!  Bath and reading can be early evening activities. 

You still do them but they are not part of the sleep routine. 

You really can take the struggle out of sleep time.  Catch the cues.  Move quickly.  Keep the sleep routine simple and you will discover how much more easily sleep can come.  

Next time we’ll talk about establishing a predictable routine that “sets the body clock” and makes seeing the cues even easier.  

In the meantime if you would like more in-depth information on how much sleep your child needs or how to help your child get the sleep she/he needs check out my book Sleepless in America:  Is Your Child Misbehaving or Missing Sleep?