No More Begging to Get Your Child to Do What you Ask

Remember the old days when getting out the door merely required putting on your coat and walking out? Or, when someone said, why don’t we go?  You just went?  That was BEFORE the kids arrived.  Now it’s a different story.  Not only are there multiple coats to get on, but those little people frequently have plans of their own, which are often on a schedule that has nothing to do with yours.  Instead of effortlessly dashing out the door, it’s a Herculean effort.

“Please get dressed Emma.  Emma it’s time to get dressed.  We’re going to be late.  Emma, you need to put on your clothes.  Emma please.” 

This is where you promise yourself you are not going to yell.  You breathe deeply sucking in your breath like a drowning woman gasping for air.  And then you lose it!  “If you don’t get dressed, I’m taking away your teddy bear!”  Now Emma is sobbing.  A pang of guilt stabs your gut and suddenly you’re on your knees trying to zip a coat and begging.    “Emma, please, if you get dressed, I’ll give you two pieces of candy.” This is NOT what you ever imagined.

Do you feel like you are constantly begging your child to do what you ask?  Ultimately ending up threatening to take away a privilege or resorting to a bribe just to get her to respond?

• It doesn’t have to be that way. 
• It really is possible to get out the door, toys picked up, homework completed and more – without begging.  

You can be an emotion coach!

Emotion coaches don’t beg nor do they toss out empty threats – even if sometimes it would be really tempting to give it a try.  They do provide predictability so their child knows what to expect.  They do state the expectation then follow through.  And they avoid empty threats by making certain that what they say they will do, they are actually willing to do and able to do.  Let’s take a look.

Emotion coaches are predictable:  

If you’re begging your child to get dressed, take a bath, turn off the television or do his homework, there’s a strategy for you.  Be predictable.  When there isn’t an established point in the day to do these things, every time you direct your child to do one, it’s a surprise which immediately sends him into the “red zone” and sets you up for a power struggle.   

So the first thing you can to do in order to stop begging is to create a predictable routine.  That way, both you and your child know what to expect.  For example, you might always get up in the morning,  use the toilet, get dressed, comb hair and then have breakfast.  The television NEVER goes on.  Or, after school, you always have a snack, do homework for 30 minutes and then play until dinner.  Your child quickly learns that you do not move on to the next thing until the present step is completed.  There’s no fighting about turning off and on the television, or going to a friend’s house before homework has been started because you always do the same thing.  Okay, so sometimes there’s a “monkey” day when things are different but those are the exception rather than the rule.  We know for some you this is “natural” and for others it’s an internal wrestling match because you love flexibility and spontaneity.  Those are valuable traits too, but when it comes to daily routines they can get you into trouble.  

Emotion coaches stop to ask, “What’ up?”  

Once you have your routine in place, if one morning your child suddenly resists or falls apart, it’s so much easier to recognize the “red flag” that something is “up.”  Making it exponentially simpler to put on the brakes, give the calming hug and ask, “What’s up?”   Taking time to listen and calm opens your child to working with you and you never have to beg.  

Emotion coaches say it once then follow through.  

Ever get tired of repeating yourself?  “Emma it’s time to leave.  Emma, I’m going to the car now.  Emma…" Emotion coaches know how to avoid this frustration too.  When you ask your child to do something, include what you will do if she chooses not to comply.  Like, “Emma, it’s time to go.  You can choose to walk to the car, or I will choose to carry you.  I’m going to count to three and if you do not choose to walk, I know you are choosing for me to carry you."  Then you count and if she doesn’t walk out you let her know she made a choice and pick her up.  Even if she says she’ll now do it now, it’s critical that you do what you said you would do.  She had fair warning of what the choice was so now there’s no second chance.  Rather than being “mean” this actually is reassuring to your child that you do what you say you will do.  You can be trusted.  

So next time you find yourself down on your knees in front of that little three foot general begging for compliance, stand up, throw those shoulders back and know there really is a better way.  

You can choose to be an emotion coach!

When your child yells at you: Expecting and teaching respectful behavior

Perhaps it was the foot stomp punctuating the shrill rebuttal to your simple question that caught your attention today.   Lately, it seems “normal” has been your child shrieking at you every time you ask her to do anything. How did this happen?  You’re five feet eight inches tall and thirty-five years old.  She’s four-years-old, 3 feet tall and weighs in at 37 pounds yet you’re jumping like a marionette puppet every time she barks an order. You’ve tried telling her not to speak to you that way, but that only resulted in a bigger scene.  The idea of washing her mouth out with soap has also crossed your mind, but your friend tried it and her daughter is still sounding like a “tough” off the docks.  It’s occurring so frequently now you’ve given up trying to change it and instead rush to grant her what she wants just to quiet her down.  But this is feeling lousy.  Does it really have to be this way?

An emotion coach treats children respectfully but she also expects respect.  

Healthy relationships are reciprocal.  That means the emotion coach will respond sensitively and courteously, but she will also insist that her child will be respectful too.
So when your child’s tone strikes you wrong or she rolls her eyes at you as she slaps away the snack you’ve just offered her, stop and teach your child to be respected and respectful.  Here’s what it looks like.

1.  Clarify your expectations:  If you have a foundational sense of what behaviors are acceptable and which ones are not, you will be more confident working with your child.  Lynn and I have our guideline.

If a behavior is:

• Unsafe
• Hurtful
• Or disrespectful to self, others or the environment
• It’s the adult’s job to stop it.

Clear expectations eliminate the quandary you might face wondering is this “normal development?”  Or, can I really expect my child to speak to me in a respectful tone.  If it feels disrespectful to you – it is and it needs to be addressed.  No question about it.  No need to doubt yourself or wonder if you’re being “mean” or too demanding.

2.  Connect:  This is unacceptable behavior, but before the teachable moment can occur you’ve got to draw your child to you and calm her enough so that she can look at you and hear your words.  That requires saying something such as:

• “I’m listening.  
• I think you have something important to say.  
• Let’s try that again.  Say it in a way that makes me want to listen.” 

If she hasn’t the faintest idea of how to speak respectfully, you may have to give her the words.  For example, “Thank you mom, but I don’t care for any right now.”  Or, “Mom, may I please have a choice?”
Or, “Mom, may I please have a few more minutes?”

3. Wait:   If your child’s response is to snort in disapproval or turn away from you refusing to respond, don’t push.  Instead simply say,

• “We’ll wait. 
• When you are ready to ask me in a way that makes me want to listen, I will give it to you.”

We know you’re thinking just a minute, she’s yelling at me and I’m going to give her what she wants.  Isn’t that just reinforcing poor behavior?  Remember you’re teaching her to ask respectfully which means it has to be reinforced when she does.  This is not going to always be the case.  Once she’s speaking respectfully to you, you will move into problem solving with her so that both of your interests are addressed, but initially you’re simply teaching her to begin the conversation respectfully.  This is a first step- not the final one.

4. Don’t turn it into a power struggle:  If you have the child who is committed to her goals it can take her a long time to unlock when you first insist the language and tone change.  A way to teach without drawing this out is to give her a choice.

• “Would you like to say it this way, or would you like to listen while I say it?” 
• If she asks that you say it, do so, then add, “Next time I know you’ll try harder to remember to say it that way.”  

Once again we suspect your brain is screaming, Come on, give me a break!  Now I’m saying it and she’s getting what she wants?  But remember as an emotion coach your goal is clear in your mind – you are modeling and teaching respectful communication.  You know there will be a similar situation in the near future, and when that occurs you can say to her,

• “Let’s try that again.”  
• “Remember how we talked about saying it in a way that makes others want to listen?”  

We know it’s difficult to believe, but your child will actually say it because she’s not feeling backed into a corner.   If she doesn’t once again, you’ll remind her that “You’ll wait, and once she asks courteously you’ll give it to her.”

5. Expect respect with siblings and peers:  The same expectation remains in place for how your child treats other children.   When your child shouts, “No, that’s mine, you can’t have it.”  Intervene; say to her, 

• “I will help you.”
• “I think you have something important to tell your sister.”  
• “Say it in a way that makes her want to listen.”  

Then teach her to say,

• “I’m not finished yet.”  
• Or, “I do not want to share this.”  
• Or, “I need fifteen more minutes, and then you can have it.”  

Can you expect respect?  Absolutely, in fact we believe that it’s critical because your child is watching, listening and experimenting, in an attempt to discover how you treat people.   Expecting your child to speak to you respectfully is just as important as you treating him respectfully.  Doing so lays the foundation for all of his future relationships.  

It’s worth taking the few minutes to stop, connect and teach that everyone deserves to be treated respectfully.

Do punishments teach? Does a child need to suffer to learn?

Your child dumps his cereal bowl on the floor.  The four year old knocks down the two year old.  You tell your child he can’t buy something and now he’s screaming at the top of his lungs in the middle of the store.

You find yourself tackling your daughter to get her dressed.  What do all of these things have in common, other than incidents that make you crazy as a parent?  All involve a choice.  How will you respond?
Obviously you want to stop these behaviors and teach your child that this behavior is inappropriate.  The question is does your child have to be miserable to learn these lessons?

In every discipline situation you have a choice to punish or to be an emotion coach and teach. 

Odds are you grew up being punished for these offences.  That’s what you are most accustomed to but does a child or anyone for that matter; really have to experience pain, or shame and guilt to learn?  Answering that question requires knowing the difference between punishment and emotion coaching.

Let’s take a look at the cereal dumped on the floor.  Everyone would agree this is unacceptable behavior and both strategies would move in to stop it.  But how one approaches the child and what one says and does next is different.  

If you’re using punishment the focus is on the child as a “bad person.”

You want the child to know he is being “naughty” and he’s not to do it again.  You might even slap his hand so that “he hurts” and remembers this message, then demand that he get a cloth and help to wipe it up.  After that he might be sent to his room to “think about” his offense.  Or a privilege may be taken away so he’s miserable and learns NOT to do this again.  

It’s true in this approach the inappropriate behavior has been stopped.  Steps have been taken to teach responsibility, both of which are good things.  Too often however, the next morning the same thing happens again because the underlying feeling or need was never addressed.  When the punishment is repeated your child feels angry and hurt and you feel lousy too.  Emotion coaching offers you an alternative to this discouraging cycle.   

An emotion coach would also move in to stop this behavior.   But as she does so she’s not thinking this is a bad child that needs to “hurt” in order to be stopped.

Instead she’s taking a long deep breath to calm herself and changing that self talk to, “My child is experiencing a feeling or need which he does not know how to express appropriately.  I can teach him how.”

As a result her brain is kicking in to the investigative mode.  What is he feeling?  Is he finished, but doesn’t know how to tell me that?  Is he attempting to get my attention?  Is he discovering what happens when you dump a bowl of cereal?  Does he like watching the dog dash into the kitchen and lick it up?  If he’s a toddler did I teach him to throw but forgot to teach him how to hand me something? 

This self talk changes what happens next.  As she reaches her child she does take his hand to stop him from sloshing more milk off the tray or table, but she does not slap it.  Instead she holds it and starts asking questions.  “What’s up?”  “Are you finished?”  “Did you want the dog to come?”  “Do you need mom’s attention?”  She’s watching her child carefully trying to figure out what he’s attempting to communicate by dumping the bowl.  If he’s an older child he’ll be able to tell her.  

That’s when she can then teach by responding.  “Stop, say, “All done.”  And then she invites him to practice saying those words.

She picks up the bowl, hands it to him and says, “Let’s try it, ‘All done.’”  Her child actually repeats the words as he hands her the bowl.  Then she helps him get down, offers him a sponge and together they clean up the mess. When it’s finished she reminds him – next time you are finished.  You say, “All done.”  Not only has the child learned the rules, but he’s also been given words to communicate what he wanted to say so next time he’s finished he can use them instead of dumping his bowl.  

Now all learning takes practice. So the next morning the emotion coach makes a decision to really stay engaged with her child as he eats.  No, checking her e-mail or Facebook account.   This is not easy to do, but she’s making a conscious effort.  

When he shows signs of being almost finished, she reminds him, “When you are done, you can hand mom your bowl and say, ‘All done.’”  She stays tuned in, watching closely.   

If he begins to slide the bowl toward the corner she reaches out her hand to stop it and repeats – “All done” as she removes it from the table.  If he screams insistent that he is not finished she may choose to hand it back to him but…

She concretely sets a limit.  “If I see you push the bowl to the edge of the table – which she points to so she knows he understands what she is talking about – then I will know you are finished and remove your bowl.  You can choose.”  

He looks right at her and very slowly nudges the bowl to the edge.  It teeters there.  He smiles.  And that’s when the emotion coach says, “I see the bowl is touching the edge and that you are choosing to be done.” 

Then she picks it up and takes it away. That’s when he screams.  “I’m not finished.”  And she says, “I’m sorry.  You made a choice.   Next time you can make a different choice.”  He protests, but much less than expected because he’s just discovered, mom takes the bowl when you move it to the edge of the table.  

It was easy for mom to follow through; because she knew he understood what was going to happen. 

• He had been forewarned.  
• He was making a choice.  
• She also wasn’t worried that he’d be too hungry, because in about 2 to 2.5 hours she’d be giving him a “mini meal” snack which would include protein, carbohydrates, fruit/vegetables and a little fat.

So the day goes on.  No one is angry.  No one has been shamed.  Mom is confident she’s taught good manners.  

Her child has learned that mom does what she said she would do.  

• He can trust her. 
• The lesson was clear, but not harsh.  
• No one was hurt physically or emotionally.

Yet he now knows when you are finished, you say, “All done.”  And what happens if you try to “dump cereal” is that the bowl goes away.  Yes it took a few minutes longer the first time but it doesn’t have to be repeated 50 more times with little to no results.  The emotion or need fueling the behavior was addressed. The appropriate words and actions have been learned and most importantly mom and son are still connected, working together.  

No one is angry, because no one is hurt.

So here are a few more examples.  

	Punishment	Emotion coach
Four year old knocks down the 2 year old	Stops behavior May jerk or grab the 4 year old Screams stop it or “no” Sends to time out Or spanks	Moves in to stop the behavior Holds 4 year old firmly but not harshly Asks, “What did you want to tell her?” Teaches words and actions to use next time she wants to tell her sister that. Practices with her the words and actions she wants her to use.
Child screams in the store when told “no”	Spanks the child Grabs the child and roughly hauls him out of the store Takes away a privilege or times the child out when they get home	Bends down to the child. Says, “I’m listening.” “I will help you.”  Guesses what the child was feeling or needing.   Did you really want that toy?  Does that look like fun? When the child calms – which he will do because he realizes the adult is trying to understand – a conversation can occur.  “You would really like that toy. I’m worried about the cost.  What could we do?” Together they brainstorm possible win/win solutions. What if we add it to your birthday gift request list? The next time before entering the store the emotion coach reminds the child that this is not a buying trip.  If he sees something that he likes, he can have mom/dad put it on his birthday list, but they won’t be buying. If he cries in the store, mom will count to three if he has not chosen to stop they will leave.  Then she does it.
Tackling your daughter to get her dressed	Wrestles the child into an outfit May slap her hand or bottom Finds both of them in tears or shouting. Child removes item parent put on as soon as she is free.	Stops trying to dress the child. Instead quietly asks, “What’s up?” Guesses what the child may be feeling.  Are you sad to be leaving mom – (getting dressed means going to school)  What could we do?  What if we put these things on and then snuggle and read before we go. Teaches – next time you are sad to leave mom you can say, “Mom, I’m sad please hold me.”  Practices those words with her child.  The next day take time to snuggle before getting dressed.

Each of these examples demonstrate situations in which a child is experiencing a feeling or need that he does not know how to express appropriately and respectfully.  Think about it.  The child who dumps the cereal – potentially does not know how to say, “No, thank you.  I don’t care for any.”  The four year old may be wishing to say, “I’m not ready to share,” but doesn’t yet have the words.  The child who refuses to take no for an answer doesn’t know you can be a problem solving family and the little one you’re tackling to get dressed, hasn’t figured out yet how to say, “It’s so hard to leave you, mom.”  

Every discipline situation you face rather than requiring a punishment is an opportunity to teach your child what he is feeling or needing and what words and actions may be used to express them more appropriately.

This is called emotion coaching and the research demonstrates that understanding your own emotions and what to do with them as well as being able to read and empathize with the feelings of others is essential for success in life.

If you’d like to have well mannered children, who are more self controlled, cooperative, flexible and competent and be a problem solving family choose to be an emotion coach.  

When your child offers the third option – the choice you didn’t give

“Do you want to pick up the blocks or the books?” you ask your child.  That’s when she cheerily offers, “I’ll pick up the dolls.”  This was not one of the options you’ve offered, yet she’s still cleaning up and it’s true the dolls do need to be picked up too.  Do you let this one go, delighted that you have a creative child who sees what needs to be done and is doing it?  Or, do you “control” the situation and firmly state, “That’s not a choice.  I told you, you can pick up the blocks or the books.  Which one will it be?”  Knowing full well that the power struggle is about to begin.

You have to know what your real interest is in order to figure out your response.  

If what’s really important to you is cleaning up the toys, then if your child chooses to take care of the dolls your interests are being met.  All is well and you can move along working together.

It’s when we get stuck in positions that we get into trouble.

When you reply, “I said books or blocks,” you are locking into a position.  When your child replies, “dolls,” you are set up for a winner and a loser.  I get my way – you lose.  Or, you get your way and I lose.  This is NOT where you want to go.

So what’s the difference between position and interest?

·         Position is one solution to get what you want.

·         Interest is why you want it.

When you work from a position level you can only have a winner and loser.

For example, you want your child to drink from the red cup.  He wants the blue cup.   Immediately you are set up for power struggles and meltdowns. 

When you work from an interest level you are focused on what is REALLY important to you.

As a result you open yourself to many potential solutions.  For example, you offer your child the red cup and he says he wants the blue one.  If you know that your real interest is simply for him to have some liquids it doesn’t matter to you which cup it is in and you can say, “Good thinking. The red cup is bigger and you can drink lots of water with your meal.”   The result is a win/win solution which means the interests of both you and your child – drinking liquids and using the favorite red cup - are met. 

Let’s take a look at a few examples:

Topic	A position might be…	An interest might be…
Getting dressed	Red pants or black pants	Wearing something to keep the legs warm
Eating	Eat your peas	Eat a vegetable or fruit for a balanced diet
Clean up	Pick up the cars and trucks	Help clean up
Wear shoes when riding a bike	Wear your tennis shoes or black shoes	Feet are covered so they are safe

Why would you bother to focus on interests?

• Don’t you want your child to just obey you and do what you asked or said the first time you say it? 
• Why do you have to talk about this?
• Or, even think about different options? 

What happens during these interactions is that you are teaching your child WHY something is important.

• The focus is on the reason, not just because you said so.
• We drink fluids to hydrate.
• We wear pants to stay warm and avoid frostbite. 

The reality is that one day your child will be making decisions when you are not with her.

If you’ve simply insisted that she obey you without thinking she has no practice judging the situation on her own. But if you’ve taken those few minutes to clarify and explain your interest you have taught her over and over how to think about what’s really important.  Ultimately she realizes I need to dress in a way that is appropriate for the weather.  I need to have a liquid with my solid food, or I need to clean up messes I make.  These are all interests.

Emotion coaches know their real interests.  What is really important in this situation?  This allows for flexibility and makes working together so much easier. 

Next time your child offers option number three, you can say to yourself, “She’s still cleaning up.  My interests are met.”  And aloud to her, “Oh great, we are all still cleaning up together.  Good thinking.  I forgot about the dolls!” 

Or, if you’ve offered her a choice between the blue or the black pants and she chooses the red ones.  Your interest is getting dressed so she’s not cold, you can be flexible and respond, “Oh, great your legs will still be covered.  Good idea.” 

Enjoy the benefits of living with a creative problem solver.

You never quite know when this effort will pay off, but one day it did big time for me.  I’ll never forget the afternoon my son came home from high school and announced that his French class was going to France that summer.  “May I go?”  He’d asked.   I was stressed and exhausted that day and instead of stopping to seek understanding or even listen, I sharply responded, “The one who needs a vacation is me, not you!”  Fortunately by that age my son was a highly skilled problem solver.  Instead of getting upset with me, he calmly stated, “Then meet me in Paris.”  And that’s exactly what I did! 

Knowing your interest and stopping to consider your child’s interest does take time.  When you do so however, not only do you stop the power struggles before they begin, you also teach life lessons.  You raise a child who is a creative and flexible thinker able to work with you even during the tough times and you do it without giving up anything that is really important to you.   

Next time:  Coming up with those win/win solutions 

When you offer a choice and your child disagrees

What do you do?

You have offered your child a choice but he didn’t respond or doesn’t want either option you have presented.  Believe it or not, this is an opportunity to teach your child that he is responsible for what happens to him.  Okay, we know this might sound a bit bizarre, especially if you are dealing with a two-year-old, but let us show you what we mean.

It’s bedtime.  You say to your child, “It’s time for bed.  Do you want to walk to your room or should I carry you?”  This is where he informs you that he isn’t interested in going to bed.  Instead of now switching to begging or bribing, “I’ll give you candy if you go to bed.” Or, giving up control, by allowing him to just play until he drops because you don’t want to fight about it, you let him know you are the parent and you get to establish the limits.  

• “It’s time for bed.”
• “Do you want to walk, or will you choose for me to carry you? “
• “I am going to count to three and you can decide.”
• “If you do not choose then I will carry you.” 
• “One, you can choose to walk, or I will carry you.  Two, you can choose to walk, or I will carry you. Three, you did not choose so you decided that I would carry you.”   
• Of course this is when he throws a fit and declares he will do it.  Your response however, must be, “I’m sorry.  You DECIDED.  Next time you can make a different choice.” 
• Then pick him up, even if he’s kicking and screaming and carry him to his room.

The lesson:   Instead of being “mean” this actually gives your child a sense of comfort because by clearly stating the choices and what you will do if he does not make a choice you provide predictability.  Ultimately he learns that he has the power to make a choice but if he doesn’t that he can trust that you will do what you said you would do. 

What are the steps?

1. ESTABLISH CLEAR LIMITS:

• It’s time for bed.
• We hold hands or are carried in a parking lot.
• It’s time to clean-up.

2. CLARIFY THE CHOICES:

• Let your child know what choices she can make.
• The choices are between two acceptable options which means you avoid any question that can be answered with a yes or a no. 
• Then spell out clearly what choice you will make. 
• The choice that you select must be something you have control over.
• You can’t force a child to walk, but you can carry him.
• If he’s throwing food, he can choose to keep his food on his plate or you will choose that he is finished.
• He can choose to sit on the chair or you will hold him on your lap.
• He can choose to ride his tricycle in the garage or if you see him cross the threshold you will know he is done and will put the tricycle away. 

3.  VOCALIZE THE CHOICES:

• Frequently we make these choices – in our head.
• If you are thinking to yourself, “If he stands on the chair again, I’ll put him on my lap,” but don’t tell him what his choices are or what you are going to do, you surprise him.  He feels like a victim.  He has no idea what the implications of his decisions are.  Nor does he have any predictability of what you will do.  As a result he feels helpless to the world and what is happening to him.

4. STATE WHEN IT WILL HAPPEN:

• When you count to three the tone of your voice is not harsh or threatening.  It’s simply clarifying there is a time limit here.  We are not going to take 15 minutes standing at the door for you to decide whether you want to walk or be carried.  Now he knows WHEN he needs to decide. 

5. MAKE IT CLEAR HE DECIDED:

• If your child does not choose to make the choice clearly state “YOU DECIDED.”  He was given the information to know what choices were available. 
• He knew when it would happen and what you said you would do. 
• By his inaction, he made a choice. 
• He is responsible for what happens now. 

6.  FOLLOW THROUGH:  

• Do what you said what you would do. 
• There is no second chance in this instance. 
• The second chance comes next time when once again he will have the opportunity to take responsibility and make a decision. 
• If you don’t follow through he learns that he doesn’t really have to listen to you. 

EXAMPLES:  Let’s give you a few more examples so you have a clear idea of what this looks and sounds like:

She’s throwing food.  Your response is:

• The choices:   “You can keep your food on your tray, or you can be done.
• When it will happen:  “If you throw it again, you are done.” 
• She decides:  She throws it again.  “You DECIDED to be done.”
• Follow through:  You do what you said you would do.  Remove her from the high chair. 

You offer your child milk or juice. He doesn’t respond.

• The choices:  You can choose milk or juice, or I will choose milk.
• When it will happen:  I’m going to count to three and if you have not decided, then it will be milk.
• He decides:  Nothing
• Follow through – “Oh, this time you decided milk because you didn’t answer and next time you can say juice before I count to three.” 

WHY DO THIS? 

• In each situation you are being fair and letting your child know what will happen and when it will happen. 
• You are reinforcing that she is deciding. 
• She really can take responsibility for what happens next. 
• She is not a victim. 
• She is not powerless in the world. 

Next time in our blog 

• We’ll talk about when your child needs time to calm down before she’s ready to work with you
• And that clever little problem-solver who comes up with her own creative third option 

Consequences

Dear Dr. Mary and Lynn: 

Help!  My four-year-old son starts screaming the minute something doesn’t go his way. There is no “wind-up” he just lets loose and within seconds he’s screaming and flailing, trying to kick and hit me.  Yesterday I told him he couldn’t have chips and he totally lost it.  I feel so helpless.  Nothing seems to work.  He screams so loudly that I usually end up giving him what he wants just to stop him. But then I feel awful for “giving in.”  Rachel

Dear Rachel:

You can trust your gut.  You feel awful afterward because you know your son is not treating you respectfully.  You can expect respect, but in order to teach him how to ask for what he needs appropriately you have to calm him down first.  Instead of giving him what he wants draw him to you by saying, “I’m listening.  I will help you.”  Describe what you think he wants or needs.  “You really want chips.”  Or, “You are really hungry.”  You’re not giving in you are just empathizing.  You can continue by saying, “I will help you, but we can’t do anything until your body is calm.  I will know you are calm when your voice is soft and your body is still.”  If needed, hold his arm so he can’t hit you, or hold him with his back against your chest so he cannot kick or bite you.  If he screams, “let go” tell him you will as soon as his body is calm.  When you feel his body quiet teach him the words you want him to use.  “You can say, ‘Mom, may I please have some chips?’”  Then ask him, “Do you want to say it, or do you want to listen while I say it?” If he wants to listen while you say it, let him know that next time you will expect him to use those words.  Once he repeats the question politely, or listens while you say it, go ahead and give him some chips– the lesson today is about working together.  On another day we’ll work on more nutritious snacks. 

Question:  Do you think this is how children learn, or do they need to “suffer” some consequence?