When Your Child Just Gets Angrier If You Try to Talk about Emotions

Ever wonder why when one child is upset, if you offer a hug, she melts into your arms but another pushes you away?  Ask one if she’s sad and she’ll spill all her woes to you, while another snaps “I’m not sad!” Despite the fact you know she is.

The difference in their responses is because children, like adults have a preference for “feeling” first or “thinking” first as they explore their emotions.  

Let’s take a look at the differences.

Cason wants to wear his favorite purple jersey to school.  Trouble is, it’s in the wash and at this moment it’s soaking wet.  

His mom says to him, “You really wanted to wear your jersey.  It’s in the wash.   That’s so disappointing. Can I give you a hug?  

• If Cason nods and accepts the hug, she will follow the feeling path and treat him as a little feeler who 

        needs to wallow in those emotions before he’s ready to solve this problem.  The conversation         

        continues like this. 

• “I know it’s really hard.  You love that jersey.  It’s so special to you.  I wish it wasn’t wet.  You’re 

        really sad right now.”  

• Then mom knows to PAUSE and let him be sad for a while before she asks him, “Do you want to 

        think of some things we can do?”  If Cason still says, “No,” she’ll remind him that they are a problem 

        solving family and flexible thinkers.  

• “Let’s try to think of at least 3 things we could do to make this better.”  She might continue.  

• Together they will brainstorm possible solutions - anything is a possibility – wear it wet, put it on when

        he comes home from school, or find another shirt the same color to wear today.  When all of the 

        potential solutions are on the table he can pick one and solve the problem!  

So what are the steps if your child is the feeling mode? 

• Stay with the feelings 
• Give your child time and space to be sad for a while 
• Ask if she’s ready to solve the problem 
• Brainstorm possible solutions and choose one 
• Only after the feeler has had an opportunity to “feel” will she be ready to solve the problem

If your child is in a thinker mode this scenario will begin the same way, but quickly needs to switch tactics.  It may sound like this.

• “You really wanted to wear your jersey.  It’s in the wash.   That’s so disappointing.  Can I give you a hug?"  
• If instead of accepting your comfort your child pushes you away try your best not to get upset with him or attempt to convince him he’s sad.   Switch to the facts saying, “Tell me what you’re thinking. How would you like it to be?  What should we do about this?”  
• Only after he’s had an opportunity to declare his plan and describe what’s happened, what’s unfair or unjust will he be ready to solve the problem with you. 
• Once he’s had his opportunity to vent, you can say, “What are three things we could do to make this better?"   
• After you’ve solved the problem together the teachable moment opens for emotion coaching.  This is where you finally can say, “That was really disappointing wasn’t it?"  Or, “You were really sad."

So what are the steps for working with a child in the thinking mode? 

ü Acknowledge the situation – state the facts

ü        Allow your child to tell you what he’s thinking or what happened

ü       Brainstorm and select a solution

ü       Teach the name of the emotion

When your child is young, it’s not easy to identify his or her preference and to be honest he may switch depending on the day or the situation.  So begin by offering the hug.  If he takes it, odds are he’s open to the feeling strategies today and needs to express his emotions before he’s ready to solve the problem.  If on the other hand she rejects the hug, switch tactics and begin exploring the facts.  Emotions are important to everyone, but how we get to them is different.  Understanding those differences keeps us working together. 

Collaborating: Finding win/win solutions

Eight-year-old Jason and seven-year-old Matt were fighting over Pokeman cards. “You stole my card!” Jason accused Matt. “I did not! Your brother traded it to me.” After a bit of help sorting out the details it became apparent that Jason’s brother had indeed lifted a card from him and traded it to Matt who from his perspective believed a fair trade had occurred. “How could we make it better?” Lynn had asked them. Protesting and grunting in frustration they brainstormed one idea and then another until finally coming up with an idea that both agreed upon. In the future they would only bring 4 Pokeman cards to school each day in order to make it easier to keep track of them. Matt also decided to return Jason’s card to him. He’d deal with Jason’s brother later!
Now as an adult you might not agree with this solution, but what’s most important is that when allowed to solve the disagreement on their own, with just a bit of guidance, the boys came up with a win/win solution that made both of them happy.

A child’s ability to solve problems with peers depends on practice with you

We tell you this story because we were so impressed with the boys’ ability to solve a complex issue. There were strong emotions in this interaction, even accusations, yet with just a little assistance they were able to calm themselves, brainstorm potential solutions, evaluate them and finally agree on one. There are many adults who could not do what these seven and eight-year-old boys accomplished. How did they get there? They have parents and teachers who have been practicing with them how to be problem solvers who can come up with win/win solutions. Now they are able to carry those skills into other social situations and relationships.

Finding win/win solutions with children occurs when:

• You take the time to understand what your child is feeling and needing
• AND know what’s really important to you.

Once interests are clarified there are many potential solutions.

Healthy relationships are reciprocal. I will work with you and I can also expect that you will work with me. This is important to remember because sometimes as a parent we can get skewed to meeting the needs of our children, and forget about our own. Other times we position ourselves as the authority insisting on having things our way, but at the expense of our child’s interests and needs.
 
Let’s explore a few examples.

Your child wants fruit snacks. It’s 5:00 PM and you will be serving dinner in 30 minutes. You also know that he had fruit snacks an hour ago at his mid-afternoon snack time. What can you do? Pause and think before you respond. What is he feeling or needing? But don’t stop there, now quickly analyze why your first reaction is to simply say, “No.” I suspect it’s because he’s already had them and you want him to eat a nutritious meal when you serve it. So the win/win solution is he gets fruit snacks? No. Okay so he doesn’t get fruit snacks? You win he loses? No. Here’s what it sounds like.

• “Oh, so you love fruit snacks and really wish you could have some.”
• (You are identifying his interests and needs.)
• Now he knows you understand and are listening.
• “Hmmm, I’m making dinner right now and it’s my job to make certain you get good nutritious food. “
• (Clarifying what’s really important to you.)
• What could we do?”

Now the brainstorming begins.

• If your child suggests, “Give me fruit snacks,” there’s no need to get upset or to immediately say, “No.” Remember you are exploring potential solutions together and will continue until you come up with an idea that satisfies BOTH of you.
• You do NOT have to give up anything that is important to you.
• So keep the brainstorming going by responding, “Okay, that’s one idea. Can you think of another? “
• If your child answers, “No,” you may feel like you’ve smashed into a dead end but again no worries. If he can’t think of any other possibilities you can offer a few of your own.
• “Well, what if you help me make dinner now and after we’ve eaten you can have fruit snacks as your dessert? We could even draw a plan so you would know when you can have them. The paper is right over there.”
• Your child grabs the paper and works with you to lay out your plan.

We know you’re thinking this is NOT going to happen.

But it DOES because your child has learned to be flexible and creative through practice with you. He knows that you listen to him and consider his feelings and needs and as a result he’s open to working with you.

Let’s try another.

Your child doesn’t want to put on his coat. You know he’s always hot but you also worry that it is supposed to get colder during the day and you don’t want anyone to think you are being irresponsible by sending your child off without a coat. Do you wrestle him into it? Do you let him go without? What’s his interest? This time it’s probably to be comfortable and he’s warm enough without a coat and old enough to make this judgment. And what’s important to you? You are concerned about the temperature potentially changing and want to be a responsible parent.

So what are three things you could do that allow both of you to have your needs and interests met?

• What if he takes his coat and puts it in his backpack?
• What if he ties it around his waist?
• What if together you check the forecast to find out if it really is supposed to get colder?

When you take the time to understand your child’s interest and pause long enough to clarify your own you begin to realize there are many potential solutions – and so does your child.

Here’s a chart that breaks out a few more for you.
  

Issue	Child interest	Parent interest	Potential win/win solutions
Jealous of the baby	Wanting to be held	Trying to feed the baby	Setting a timer so he knows when you’ll be finished and can hold him. Holding him for a few minutes and then making a plan of what he will do while you finish feeding the baby. Cuddling next to one another and reading while you nurse.
Wants to take something in the car you don’t want him to have in the car.	Wanting something to play while riding in the car.	Worried it will get lost.	Agreeing it can go in the car, but not into the store. Clarifying that if he fusses when it’s time to leave it in the car that he will be choosing not to take it in the car next time.
Refusing to dress	Doesn’t like those “pants”	Wanting something to cover her legs.	Wear leggings. Wear high boots. Wear a long coat.

Coming up with a win/win solution does take some time.

It requires knowing what’s really important to you rather than getting caught in positions or stances of my way or the highway. But by listening to one another, acknowledging what’s important and being respectful, you teach your child to be a flexible and creative problem solver. You empower him, because through practicing with you he is discovering that no matter what happens he can figure out what to do. 

Research supports that children who can come up with 3 alternatives when they hit a roadblock are significantly more likely to achieve their goals. This is a lifelong skill.

So take those few minutes to find that win/win solution.

By doing so you’ll prevent the power struggle of the moment, be building a relationship that keeps you working together even during the tough times AND promotes your child’s success in life.
 

These are precious, teachable moments.

Grab them!

Emotion Coaching: What’s up?

Seeking understanding doesn’t mean giving in.

Here’s the story

Paidea, Lynn’s child development center is open from 6:45 AM to 6:00 PM.  Within those hours the school day runs from 9:00 AM to 4:30 PM.  The rule is that during the non-school hours children can have a toy from home to share with all of their friends or to play with by themselves.  But at 9:00 AM all home toys are tucked away in a child’s cubby until the end of school.  On this morning Jacob had brought his favorite dinosaur.  When his teachers told him the school day was about to begin and it was time to put away the dinosaur Jacob threw a fit. That’s when Lynn walked in.  “You really want your dinosaur,” she offered. 

Jacob protested, “It’s not a home toy.” 

“Oh, is that dinosaur for everyone?”  Lynn asked.  “If it’s only for you, it’s a home toy.  Paidea toys are for everyone.”

“It’s mine!”  Jacob insisted.

“Oh, then it’s a home toy,” Lynn clarified.

And then she simply paused, letting it sink in for a moment before continuing, “It’s yours so do you want me to put it in my office or in the parent mailbox to keep it safe until you can play with it again?”

Jacob thought for a moment before replying, “The parent mailbox,” then walked with Lynn to place it there. 

Seeking understanding doesn’t require convincing your child he is wrong. 

Nor does it necessitate that he agree with you, which would likely just escalate the situation.  It’s simply a process of understanding what your child is thinking or feeling.   Listening does not mean “giving in.” 

Often we sort of seek understanding, but not really.

By saying things like, “You really don’t want to put your coat on right now, BUT it’s time to leave.”   Your child knows you are not really listening and just gets angrier.  But if you simply say, “I see you didn’t want to put your coat on,” and PAUSE, your child knows you understand.  Intensity drops and now you can work together. 

As you move forward, you set the boundaries and then offer a choice.

So you might say, “Do you want to do it by yourself or would you like me to help you?”   “Would you like to walk up to your bedroom or would you like me to carry you?”  (If your child disagrees we will tell you how to respond in our next blog post, but the reality is that more frequently than you would ever expect he will happily comply.)  

               

How can you discover what’s up, stay connected and establish clear rules? 

1.  Stay tuned in.  When you are with your child pay attention to what’s happening.  You’ll know he had wanted a toy, or that someone just hurt his feelings, making it much easier to ask your clarifying questions. 

2.  Don’t be afraid to use a little humor.  “Are you mad because there are no elephants in the yard?” makes a preschooler laugh.  Laughter brings down the intensity.

3. Stay connected. Through your body language and voice tone let your child know you really do want to know what is upsetting him.  He’ll feel the connection and calm.

4. Avoid getting pulled in.  The other day I was attempting to be an emotion coach and got yanked right into a power struggle.  I called Lynn.  “Help me understand what just happened.  I just lost it!”  That’s when she reminded me.  Listening doesn’t mean you are going to give up anything that is important to you.  My blood pressure dropped precipitously!  

5.  Predict the tough times of the day.  If you stop and think about them, you know them, like getting up in the morning, going out the door, or arriving home.  Slow down, especially during transitions from one thing to another.  By stopping to understand what’s up, you’ll save time in the long run. 

6.  Plan your response.  Often we are “caught” in the moment with little time to think.  That’s why it’s so important to have in mind a standard phrase you’ll use.  Like, “What’s up?”  Or, “I will help you.  What do you need?”  Or, “I can tell you really want…”  Or, “What were you thinking should happen?” 

7.  Be problem-solvers.  When you stop to seek understanding first, your child knows you are listening and have come to help.  That’s when you can move into being a problem-solving family. 

Choose to Connect and De-escalate the Situation

·       Your response changes your child’s!

 You’ve picked up the cues, by noticing that voices have gotten louder. Or, that there’s a slight whining tone to your child’s voice, or he’s starting to forget the rules.

Now what?  The next step in emotion coaching is to connect with your child and draw him to you.   How you respond matters.  The key question is, does your response de-escalate the situation or innocently escalate it? 

If you coming roaring in like a bulldozer you’re going to push your child further into the red zone.   So take that deep breath, relax those shoulders, and monitor the tone of your voice.

Move in with the idea in mind that you are coming to help. 

Your child’s body language will tell you how you’re doing.  If he looks away, thrusts out his jaw, melts down, strikes out, runs away, shuts down or cringes he’s viewing your advance as a threat. And not as someone coming to help.   If he looks up at you and turns to you – you’re connecting. 

What exactly does this sound like?

Here’s the situation; two children want the same toy.  If as you move to intervene you say, “I see you both want the same thing.” The children immediately know you are coming to listen and help.  If on the other hand you come roaring in like a fighter pilot and immediately demand, “Who had it first?”  Or, “Give it to your sister, she’s younger.”  Or, “If you are going to fight over it, I’m taking it away.” The kids will immediately know they’re under attack and will be ready to battle with you. 

Here are some more examples. We want to stress this is the beginning – it’s not the end of this interaction.  It’s merely a step – one of five to win cooperation. 

Situation	Event	De-escalating Responses	Escalating responses
Sibling and peer relationships	One child grabs a toy from another	What did you want to tell him?	Stop fighting with your sister.  You can’t do that.  Give it back.
Needing attention	Two children both wanting mom or dad at the same time.	I know you both want mom. Do you want to know when I can play with you?	Right now I have to feed the baby. You need to wait until I’m done. If you are going to act that way go to your room.
Handling a disappointment.	You say, “No” and they start melting down.	Did you have a different plan? I know you really want… It’s hard to wait when you really want something.	Stop it! I said “No” and I mean it. No, you can’t have it.

So check your response:

• Does your approach de-escalate the situation or escalate it?
• Does your child know you are coming to help when you approach or plant their feet ready to do battle?
• Are you connecting and drawing your child to you? 

 Your response really does changes your child’s and what happens next. 

Emotion coaching: The Secret to Effective Discipline

Week Two

• You are not helpless.
• You really do make a difference. 
• Your response to your child can either escalate or deescalate the situation.  

  

Your response really does change your child’s.

It can move them from the red zone of a meltdown to the green zone of cooperating with you.

GREEN ZONE	RED ZONE
Calm and cooperation	Tension and meltdowns
Focused	Unfocused
Engaged	Disengaged

In the Red zone our engines are running “hot.” You can feel the tension and your heart pounding.  Your child refuses to look at you and can’t “hear you.”   He might hit you, call you names, scream, run away, and refuse to make a decision or answer a question.  Or, he may simply slump into a rag doll heap unable to do anything. 

In the Green zone everyone is calm.  Your heart is not racing in your chest.  Your child looks at you and “hears” you.  He listens, answers questions, offers potential solutions and can make decisions.  He can even wait if needed. 

• The red zone is “catchy.”  It’s easy when your child is in the red zone to go there too.  But you don’t have to. 
• Take a deep breath.  He’s not out to “get you.”  You are not helpless.  You are an emotion coach.  Your response can change what’s happening here. 
• You can choose to give orders which escalate the situation and pushes your child into the red zone or to listen which deescalates and moves everyone to the green zone of cooperation.    
• Usually we give orders because we are rushing, but in reality, it takes more time to deal with a tantrum than it does to stop and listen.  
• Choosing to listen first allows everyone to feel better and saves time in the long run because you are working together. 

The Secret to Effective Discipline: Emotion coaching

The dreaded proclamations erupt in the kitchen. Yet on this day, when your friend hears them, she calmly walks over to her four-year-old twins, bends down, places one hand on the iPad and the other on one’s shoulder as she replies.  “Jacob, you had the iPad and then you decided to play with your Legos.  Sawyer thought you were finished.  Shall we tell him you would like a turn and ask him when he will be finished?”

You almost burst into laughter.  No way is this going to work!  But your jaw drops in astonishment, when you realize that instead of stomping in protest, Jacob is actually nodding in agreement.  Now your friend turns to Sawyer and lets him know that Jacob would like a turn and asks how long before he will be finished.  Sawyer offers fifteen minutes. 

Silently you chuckle to yourself.  You’d be willing to bet your last dollar that Jacob is going to lose it over this one.  Come on, what kid is willing to wait 15 minutes while his brother plays with the toy he just had!  But once again you are incredulous, when your friend turns to Jacob, informs him that Sawyer needs 15 more minutes and asks him whether he’d like to watch while he waits or do something else.  Jacob decides to continue with the Legos and goes off to play.  Left speechless, you can’t even believe it when your friend once more turns to Sawyer and reminds him, “Your brother is waiting.  When you are finished please let him know. “ 

You’d planned on leaving soon, but this you’ve got see.  From your point of view it is not even fathomable that Sawyer will hand over the iPad without a knock down fight.  But not even 5 minutes later Sawyer closes out the iPad  and hands it peacefully to his brother.  No shoving, yelling or demands – he simply hands it to him and goes off to play.  

If you had not seen it with your own eyes you would NEVER believe it could happen –but it did!  How did your friend do it?  She has learned how to be an emotion coach – she stays connected, is empathetic, supportive and at the same time sets clear limits. 

Emotion coaching is a respectful way to respond to children. 

• It is based on the belief that children’s behavior is fueled by feelings and needs.  It is our job as the adults in their lives to teach them how to express those feelings and needs respectfully and appropriately.   But it doesn’t stop there; it also teaches children to respect the emotions of others and to work cooperatively through creative problem solving.  
• Research supports that the skills your children learn through emotion coaching are more important to their over-all success than IQ.  

• After working with children and families for over three decades Lynn and I have found emotion coaching to be the most effective discipline strategy. 

Join us!

• During the following weeks we will be writing about the steps of emotion coaching. 
• Today we’ll provide you with an overview and in the weeks to come we’ll break it down into steps with examples and hopefully even a few videos thrown in to demonstrate what it sounds and looks like. 
• Tell your friends and join us for the entire series!
• Together we’ll become an emotion coaching team.  

Steps to Effective Emotion Coaching Include: the 5 C’s and a Re-do

Cues:  Recognize immediately when intensity is going up.

Why?   The earlier you notice that things are starting to escalate, the easier it is to keep everyone calm and out of the “red zone.”

Connect:  Draw your child to you

Why?  Your initial response either de-escalates the situation or escalates it.  Your child needs to know that when you approach you are coming to help, not as a threat.  

Cause:  It’s easy to get caught in the “flames” of the misbehavior in front of you, but it’s essential to go below the surface and discover the feelings and needs – the real “fuel sources” behind the behavior.  

Why?  You have to understand the “real fuel source” before you can select an effective strategy. 

Clarify the problem: What’s the real issue here? 

Why?   Clearly stating the problem from both your child’s point of view and yours allows you to clarify what’s important to both of you so that you know you understand one another and as a result can be more effective problem solvers. 

Collaborate:   Together come up with a win/win solution

Why?  Healthy relationships are reciprocal – that means we work together as a problem solving team.  Teaching your child how to do this now, in the early years, keeps him working with you during the teen years.  Your final solution has to be a win/win for everyone involved. 

Re-do:  Sometimes, despite our best efforts there is still a meltdown and we need to go back later

Why?   When everyone is calm your child is open to learning more respectful and appropriate actions and words to use next time she experiences those feelings and needs.   It’s through practice that we learn the skills to prevent the challenging behaviors from occurring in the first place. 

When you choose to be an emotion coach:

·        You build a relationship with your child that keeps you working together for a lifetime.

·        And, you bring calm to your family in this very fast-paced world. 

Please join us in this effort by submitting your questions via the comment box.

Fire and Fuel – Behavior and Cause

Dear Dr. Mary and Lynn,

My son just turned two on Sunday. He's been spirited since he stopped having reflux pain when he was about 10 weeks old. He fits all nine traits of the spirited child that you write about in your book, Mary. He's ALWAYS been prone to tantrums, but we've worked on trying to navigate them by giving him lots of warning about changes coming (i.e. "in a few minutes we're going to change your diaper, or get in the car, or get in the highchair"). Recently, though, he's gone from bad to worse with the tantrums and these are usually caused when he doesn't get what he wants. Here's an example from yesterday: He wants a specific type of cracker in the car which I simply don't have, so I offer him another... this makes him go OFF THE WALL with screaming, so much so that he starts shaking and can't breathe. I have spoken with my therapist, who's very helpful with raising a spirited child and she tells me that I should say, "This must be very frustrating for you" and then just let him continue to "express himself". But when that crazy type of screaming goes on for another 10 minutes, it's really difficult for me to a) not snap and b) not try to just placate him by literally turning the car around to go to a grocery store and buy him the crackers that he wants.

What would your suggestions for us when the crazy tantrums happen with a 2-year old who's seemingly too young to reason and communicate with easily?

Thanks in advance! ~ Susan

Dear Susan,

When we start thinking about children’s behavior the actions that we see are what we call the “fire.”  Behind every “fire” or behavior there is a fuel source or a reason.  In order to extinguish the “fire” behavior we have to be certain we are addressing the right fuel source, specifically what the child is feeling or needing.  Obviously there could many potential fuel sources and the possibilities may seem overwhelming which is why we use a framework that includes four key areas to consider.  They are temperament, development, stress and medical issues. 

If a behavior is fueled by temperament you will say, “It has always been this way and others see it in different situations and environments too.”    If it’s development it’s a new behavior tied to a developmental stage or growth spurt.  So the first question related to development is to ask, “Is this child within six weeks of his birthday or half birthday when growth spurts commonly occur?”  Or, secondly, is the behavior typical for this age - like a two-year-old saying “no” even when he wants something.  Behaviors tied to stress often occur out the of blue, but when you think back to when they started you can identify a particular event or situation or change in routine that occurred, such as an illness, a grandparents’ visit, new baby, switch to a new classroom etc.  Behaviors fueled by stress also often fall into what we call “shut down” and the child who could dress himself, suddenly can’t.  Or the child who would go upstairs by himself refuses.  Changes in sleeping, eating and toileting also occur when the fuel sources is stress.  So you will see more middle of the night wake-ups, meltdowns, changes in eating, toileting accidents and difficulty listening.  Often in our work we’ll address behaviors first from temperament, development or stress and see what’s still occurring after we do so. 

If the child is not successful despite these efforts to address the needs, then we’ll move to the fourth framework which is medical.  In this case the behaviors are not responding to strategies that usually work and the intensity of them is more than typical.

Going back to your question, you are preparing him.  From the developmental point of view you are setting a limit.  We can expect a two year old to protest, but to also get over it reasonably quickly.  If no significant stressors have occurred in his life, then in this situation due to the intensity of his reaction, we would encourage you to explore potential medical factors.  Medical factors could be minor like an ear infection, to more significant issues such as allergies or developmental issues.   We hope this framework can be helpful as you step into the detective role identifying the true fuel source so you can support your child. 

Emotional Coaching

Dear Dr. Mary and Lynn:

Our family recently visited an arcade.  The first time our son tried one of the games he won so of course he then expected to win every time.  When he didn’t, he got really sad and then ran away.  I tried to talk to him about feeling disappointed but he growled at me and then started flailing at me.  Where did I go wrong?   Tonya

Dear Tonya:

You were on the right path, showing concern and attempting to address the “real” fuel source.  A challenge as an emotion coach is to know who you are working with because the approach changes depending on the child’s “type.”  Fortunately you don’t have to be a specialist to identify your child’s “type” he will show you with his behavior.  A child who runs or hides when upset is one who needs space and quiet to calm.  The child who covers his ears or looks away is also telling you he needs silence in order to be able to think and process his emotions.  He is not ready to talk.  The one who growls when you ask about emotions prefers to discuss the facts. 

Trouble can occur when, what your child’s behavior is showing you he needs, is directly opposite from what you prefer when you are upset.  So if you are more extroverted, your desire is to talk things through.  When disappointed, you’d want a hug and someone to listen while you poured out your woes.  

This is where you have to stop yourself, switch out of your preferred or most natural response to one that “fits” your child better.  Step back to give him space so he doesn’t need to run away.  In a quiet, calm voice say to him, “I’m here.  I will help you.”  Then stop talking.  Wait.  When he turns to look at you, or moves toward you then you can begin seeking understanding.  But if this is a child who rejects the “feeling” questions skip them and switch to seeking the “facts.”  Ask questions such as:  “What’s up?”  “Tell me what happened?” “Did someone say/do something mean?”  “Did you have a plan?”  The introverted thinker will calm and work with you. 

Question:  What makes it hard to give a child time to process his/her emotions?