Collaborating: Finding win/win solutions

Eight-year-old Jason and seven-year-old Matt were fighting over Pokeman cards. “You stole my card!” Jason accused Matt. “I did not! Your brother traded it to me.” After a bit of help sorting out the details it became apparent that Jason’s brother had indeed lifted a card from him and traded it to Matt who from his perspective believed a fair trade had occurred. “How could we make it better?” Lynn had asked them. Protesting and grunting in frustration they brainstormed one idea and then another until finally coming up with an idea that both agreed upon. In the future they would only bring 4 Pokeman cards to school each day in order to make it easier to keep track of them. Matt also decided to return Jason’s card to him. He’d deal with Jason’s brother later!
Now as an adult you might not agree with this solution, but what’s most important is that when allowed to solve the disagreement on their own, with just a bit of guidance, the boys came up with a win/win solution that made both of them happy.

A child’s ability to solve problems with peers depends on practice with you

We tell you this story because we were so impressed with the boys’ ability to solve a complex issue. There were strong emotions in this interaction, even accusations, yet with just a little assistance they were able to calm themselves, brainstorm potential solutions, evaluate them and finally agree on one. There are many adults who could not do what these seven and eight-year-old boys accomplished. How did they get there? They have parents and teachers who have been practicing with them how to be problem solvers who can come up with win/win solutions. Now they are able to carry those skills into other social situations and relationships.

Finding win/win solutions with children occurs when:

• You take the time to understand what your child is feeling and needing
• AND know what’s really important to you.

Once interests are clarified there are many potential solutions.

Healthy relationships are reciprocal. I will work with you and I can also expect that you will work with me. This is important to remember because sometimes as a parent we can get skewed to meeting the needs of our children, and forget about our own. Other times we position ourselves as the authority insisting on having things our way, but at the expense of our child’s interests and needs.
 
Let’s explore a few examples.

Your child wants fruit snacks. It’s 5:00 PM and you will be serving dinner in 30 minutes. You also know that he had fruit snacks an hour ago at his mid-afternoon snack time. What can you do? Pause and think before you respond. What is he feeling or needing? But don’t stop there, now quickly analyze why your first reaction is to simply say, “No.” I suspect it’s because he’s already had them and you want him to eat a nutritious meal when you serve it. So the win/win solution is he gets fruit snacks? No. Okay so he doesn’t get fruit snacks? You win he loses? No. Here’s what it sounds like.

• “Oh, so you love fruit snacks and really wish you could have some.”
• (You are identifying his interests and needs.)
• Now he knows you understand and are listening.
• “Hmmm, I’m making dinner right now and it’s my job to make certain you get good nutritious food. “
• (Clarifying what’s really important to you.)
• What could we do?”

Now the brainstorming begins.

• If your child suggests, “Give me fruit snacks,” there’s no need to get upset or to immediately say, “No.” Remember you are exploring potential solutions together and will continue until you come up with an idea that satisfies BOTH of you.
• You do NOT have to give up anything that is important to you.
• So keep the brainstorming going by responding, “Okay, that’s one idea. Can you think of another? “
• If your child answers, “No,” you may feel like you’ve smashed into a dead end but again no worries. If he can’t think of any other possibilities you can offer a few of your own.
• “Well, what if you help me make dinner now and after we’ve eaten you can have fruit snacks as your dessert? We could even draw a plan so you would know when you can have them. The paper is right over there.”
• Your child grabs the paper and works with you to lay out your plan.

We know you’re thinking this is NOT going to happen.

But it DOES because your child has learned to be flexible and creative through practice with you. He knows that you listen to him and consider his feelings and needs and as a result he’s open to working with you.

Let’s try another.

Your child doesn’t want to put on his coat. You know he’s always hot but you also worry that it is supposed to get colder during the day and you don’t want anyone to think you are being irresponsible by sending your child off without a coat. Do you wrestle him into it? Do you let him go without? What’s his interest? This time it’s probably to be comfortable and he’s warm enough without a coat and old enough to make this judgment. And what’s important to you? You are concerned about the temperature potentially changing and want to be a responsible parent.

So what are three things you could do that allow both of you to have your needs and interests met?

• What if he takes his coat and puts it in his backpack?
• What if he ties it around his waist?
• What if together you check the forecast to find out if it really is supposed to get colder?

When you take the time to understand your child’s interest and pause long enough to clarify your own you begin to realize there are many potential solutions – and so does your child.

Here’s a chart that breaks out a few more for you.
  

Issue	Child interest	Parent interest	Potential win/win solutions
Jealous of the baby	Wanting to be held	Trying to feed the baby	Setting a timer so he knows when you’ll be finished and can hold him. Holding him for a few minutes and then making a plan of what he will do while you finish feeding the baby. Cuddling next to one another and reading while you nurse.
Wants to take something in the car you don’t want him to have in the car.	Wanting something to play while riding in the car.	Worried it will get lost.	Agreeing it can go in the car, but not into the store. Clarifying that if he fusses when it’s time to leave it in the car that he will be choosing not to take it in the car next time.
Refusing to dress	Doesn’t like those “pants”	Wanting something to cover her legs.	Wear leggings. Wear high boots. Wear a long coat.

Coming up with a win/win solution does take some time.

It requires knowing what’s really important to you rather than getting caught in positions or stances of my way or the highway. But by listening to one another, acknowledging what’s important and being respectful, you teach your child to be a flexible and creative problem solver. You empower him, because through practicing with you he is discovering that no matter what happens he can figure out what to do. 

Research supports that children who can come up with 3 alternatives when they hit a roadblock are significantly more likely to achieve their goals. This is a lifelong skill.

So take those few minutes to find that win/win solution.

By doing so you’ll prevent the power struggle of the moment, be building a relationship that keeps you working together even during the tough times AND promotes your child’s success in life.
 

These are precious, teachable moments.

Grab them!