Tips for Making an "Exception" to Your Routine

• What if you just don’t want to go home for bed or naptime?
• It’s just not convenient, you’re having fun and don’t want to stop.
• You know if you leave the other adults present will glare at you for catering to your child, and question
        why you have to be so “rigid.”
• The predictability of your schedule is beginning to feel like a straight jacket squeezing every drop of
        spontaneity out of your life.

Does it really matter if sleep times move an hour to two?  

Unfortunately, the answer is yes. So think carefully before making an exception. 

Within each of us is a “body clock” which tells us when to sleep and when to be awake.  It runs on a 25 hour cycle so you have to “set it” with regular wake, sleep and meal times, exercise at the “right time” – not before bed and limited exposure to screen time in the evening.

Research demonstrates that even more detrimental to our well being than lack of sleep is an erratic schedule.

That’s because if your child falls asleep at 7:00 PM during the week, but on weekends stays up until 10:00 it’s as though he’s flying from New York to California every weekend.  It creates “jet lag” making it much more difficult for the brain to know when to fall asleep.

It’s true; some children are temperamentally more flexible than others and may seem to tolerate this better than others.  These children of course belong to your friends who are criticizing you for being so “picky” about bedtime.  In reality however, even those children suffer from the effects of jet lag, it’s just not quite as apparent.

So how do you maintain a regular schedule that protects your child’s sleep without losing all spontaneity in your life or being constantly criticized for being too rigid?

• First remember that firm is a synonym for rigid and it is a good thing.  It creates for your child
        clear boundaries and a sense of trust. Regardless of their temperament all children instead of finding a
        predictable routine restrictive feel calmed by it.   Unpredictability tends to trigger insecurity.

• Secondly, make a plan and be creative – WAIT, before you groan in dismay if you are the type of
        person who feels strangled by schedules and plans let us explain.   In your schedule designate your
        sleep and meal times but BETWEEN those times allow as much flexibility as you please.  So when your         friend calls and asks if you’d like to meet for lunch, which you know will spill over into your child’s
        naptime, you can quickly suggest a breakfast outing instead.  If you have an infant who may be napping
        in the morning why not try a late afternoon stroll to the park.   If there is a choice between weekend  
        and weeknight swim lessons, choose the weekend and eliminate the next morning battles trying to get
        out of bed.

        o Just let the kids know what’s happening in the next hour.  Remember they’re not mind readers
                and while you know what you want to do and what might happen once you get there– they don’t
                – for them, it’s a case of “get in the car – trust me.”  Just be “firm” about your sleep routine in
                order to have a calm day.  The rest can be more flexible.

        o Having a plan also makes it easier to know when to make doctor appointments, sign up for
                activities or classes, or schedule family celebration meals.  Thanksgiving dinner at 4:00 PM
                protects your child’s nap and allows the cook to start the turkey at a reasonable hour instead of
                4:00 AM.  Doing so even protects the adults’ sleep too which puts everyone in a better mood.

• Third, spirited children tend to have spirited relatives who do not adapt easily to changes in 
        their plans.   Sometimes exceptions may need to be made.  When that is the case, try this guideline.

•         Limit “exceptions” to your routine to three times a month.

                  • Vacation and major life events may count as one

•         Avoid making exceptions for:

                  • Shopping
                  • Staying out with friends
                  • Being at a party and having fun
                  • Getting distracted by the TV or computer and as a result losing track of time
                  • Losing track of time because doing so doesn’t fit your temperament

If we lived in the Netherlands this would all be much easier.  There protecting children’s sleep is a cultural value.  You won’t see children out during nap time or later than the designated 7:00 PM sleep time.  Unfortunately in other areas of the world, we often brag about how little sleep we can get by on, not knowing the costs to our health and well being.

So despite your best efforts there will be times when you have to say, “We’re leaving.”  Knowing full well you’ll be talked about and disparaged for the next two weeks, but this is where you must remember.

If you don’t go your child will fall apart and be the one judged instead of you.  

Be fair to your child; take the “hit.” 

You can handle it more easily than she can.  Focus on your child and her needs.   Be confident in your own decision.  You can offer an apology, but even if it’s not approved of, you have protected your child.

When and How to “Give in:” Modifying a Routine

Nineteen month old Ava typically enjoyed a few minutes of rocking in her mother’s arms, and then reached toward the crib signaling she was ready to go in, whereupon she would promptly fall asleep.  That was it.     That’s all it took for her bedtime routine.  But on this night she did not reach for the crib and instead clung to her mom’s neck pleading for more rocking.  Mom continued rocking then tiptoed toward the crib with Ava in her arms.  Near panic screams halted her movement.  Back to the chair she went repeating the process 5 times – without success. Finally with both of them exhausted mom laid Ava in her bed and they went to sleep.  But the next day she contacted us worried she’d made a major mistake and started a “bad habit.”   She hadn’t.  

One of the benefits of maintaining predictable routines is that when they don’t work it’s a “red flag” that something is wrong.

Your child maybe stressed, ill or experiencing a major growth spurt or something else.

We asked mom if anything had occurred that might have upset Ava.  She thought for a moment before replying, “We were at a birthday party that afternoon.  She missed her nap and her dad was traveling which he doesn’t usually do.”  There it was – life – the stuff that we cannot completely control. The “junk” which can innocently push children and us into the “red zone” of tense energy, making it much more difficult to settle and sleep even with the best of routines.  

We assured Mom that she had not made a mistake.  Instead she had made an astute “modification” to her routine.  

So how do you know when the “best choice” is to make changes when everyone – including Lynn and me - are constantly preaching be predictable?  Keep your routines consistent.

1. First you have to have a predictable routine in place, one which works smoothly the majority of the time.  If that’s in place, when your child does not respond in the way she normally does, you can easily recognize something is up.   This is an unusual reaction.  

But how do you distinguish a real “issue” worthy of modification from a child’s “test” of the limits?  

2.  Investigate.  First you can make small adjustments to the existing routine.  Follow the same order but lengthen or shorten segments depending on what’s happening. This is what mom did.  Rocking was a normal piece of their routine, she simply extended the time to add more soothing and calming.  The sequence remained the same.  No steps were skipped.      

Yet despite these adjustments it still was not enough to calm Ava.  Five attempts proved this fact.   It’s true, Ava’s protests could still be a “test” and we may indeed need to persist, but after 3-5 cracks at it, rather than continuing to pound your head against the wall it’s time to evaluate what’s been going on.

3. Reflect on the day or even the week, what’s been happening that might explain a change in your child’s behavior?  Have there been disruptions that made her day unpredictable?  Is a parent stressed, traveling, ill or working longer than normal hours?  When it’s blatantly clear, as in this situation that there are contributing factors you know this is not simply a “test.”  Your child really is in the “red zone” and needs more help and support calming.  

4.   Know your goal.  It was late.  Mom was single parenting.  She was exhausted and getting frustrated and so was Ava.  At this point it’s important to dig down to the basics.  What’s the bottom line in all of this? Of course it’s sleep for everyone.  

5.  A clear goal allows you to explore potential solutions that are workable and acceptable to you.  Yes, we know you’re cringing right now, thinking, “My spirited child would never let me get away with doing something different just one time.”   The persistent child may need a little more nudging but at 10:00 at night, rather than allowing yourself and your child to become even more upset – call it a day and do what it takes to let everyone get the sleep they need.  Talk with your child. Explain that tonight “something is up” and you are “modifying and amending” the routine.  It doesn’t mean the changes will be permanent.  

6.  The next day return to your routine.  Expect success.  (If it’s a major stress it may be longer but we’ll address that later.)  That’s what mom did.  Dad had returned from his trip, Ava napped well and the normal routine was implemented.  The tendrils of stress however, still lingered in her system so there were a few bumps.  Ava insisted that mom rather than dad put her to bed and adamantly repeated, “Rock, rock, rock." The usual 10 minutes extended to 30 and even then when mom strode toward the crib Ava protested.  But after mom laid her down and left the room, the complaints stopped abruptly.  Monitor in hand, even before she reached the kitchen mom saw that Ava quickly dropped to the mattress and went to sleep.   She did however, wake an hour early.  But the following night, after a good nap and thanks to the sound routine in place, dad was able to put Ava into her bed.  After the usual few minutes of rocking Ava reached for her crib and went into it without a peep.  She slept until her normal wake time.   

Why did this go so smoothly?  

Routine gives children a sense of security and trust.

Despite their occasional protests they really do appreciate the predictability and emotional safety they provide.  So after unusually high stress levels have required you to make a modification, once those needs are addressed, your child is perfectly willing to go back to her “familiar and comforting” routine.  

7.  Adjust your perspective.  Research demonstrates that most effective parents are picking up the cues of their children and responding sensitively.  This is not giving in.  It’s taking time to think before you say something so that what you say is what you are going to follow through with and feel comfortable doing so. It’s making a decision based on reflection and a little detective work to understand the “fuel source.”  

Modifying your routine only happens rarely.

If it’s happening every day or even once a week, this is not a modification it’s unpredictability.  

If you are a persistent person it can be very difficult to “adjust.”  

Commitment to your goals is an asset, but it’s also critical to step back and take a look at the “whole” picture.  When you do, you will know when it’s time to modify your routine.  That’s what emotion coaches do.

Next time we’ll talk about the “exception” to your routine – when you’re out and having fun and just for today want to skip that nap time or shoot for a later bedtime.  

If you give an inch, will they take a mile?

 

It hits out of the blue.  “I want jelly beans for dinner!”   Or, “I don’t want to go to school today!” Perhaps more than a demand it’s a simple request, “May I sleep in your room tonight?”

Your gut tightens haunted by the messages you’ve heard over and over again:

• Give an inch and they’ll take a mile.
• Be consistent. 
• Don’t start a bad habit. 
• Worse yet, you know if you say, “No” odds are there is going to be a major meltdown. 

But if you say, “Yes” are you giving in?

Are you a wimp?  Is this a battle worth fighting?

You’re determined to say “no” when you suddenly remember reading Michael Perry’s memoir Population: 485 about life in a small Wisconsin town, in which he vividly describes the pleasure of Sunday dinners during his childhood.  No one remembered quite how it had begun but every Sunday night his mother pulled out the popcorn popper, salt shaker, butter and bowls and began popping corn.  Family and friends dropped in knowing what was being served.  Mind you no other night offered the same menu.  The tradition became so strong and enjoyable that even 20 year later he still found himself, often with ten other family members and friends, returning to his mother’s home for a Sunday supper that consisted of only popcorn.  It makes you wonder, could one jelly bean really matter?  Is it possible to have a dinner of jelly beans and not begin an unending power struggle?  

Can sometimes saying “yes” potentially turn into a delightful family tradition? 

In How Children Succeed, author Paul Tough describes critical character traits for success.

One of them is flexible thinking; the ability to think out of the box and come up with creative solutions.  It is a learned skill.  One that is essential for finding win/win solutions in a problem-solving family.  

But how do you teach it without being taken for a ride?  

·                     One key factor is understanding that there is a developmental aspect to flexible thinking.  

The first step is learning how to make a choice.  So if you are the parent of a toddler and are flinching at the very thought of “flexible thinking” know your intuition is correct.  Toddlers are learning what the rules are but they can also learn about choices. So before you say, “No,” or respond at all it’s critical to STOP and THINK. You can even say to your child, “Let me think about that for a moment.”  Setting an example and teaching her about impulse control is another vital character trait.  Once you have paused, review your basic expectations.  For Lynn and me our golden rule is: If something is unsafe, hurtful or disrespectful to self, others or the environment it’s our job as the adult to intervene and stop it.  If the behavior or issue doesn’t clearly fall into one of these categories we’re going to find a way to say yes. 

You might think jelly beans for dinner is not healthy!  And right you are.  That’s why you can say “yes” with limited choices.  “Oh, you’d like a jelly bean for dinner.  Okay, would you like a red one or a green one?”  That of course is when he begins shrieking, “I want ten jelly beans!”  But you’ve done your part.  You are being flexible so you can say to him, “I’m working with you and now I need you to work with me.  I said you could have a jelly bean.  Do you want the red one or the green one?  Do you want it next to your vegetables or by your pasta?” 

Of course he’s still shrieking and now you get to teach the skills to develop another crucial character trait – the ability to deal with disappointment.

So you say, “That was disappointing.  That is not what you were thinking.  I can see you are not ready to eat.  Let’s take a few minutes to calm down.”  You might then hold her or let her step away and get her lovie.  When she’s calm you’ll bring her back and you can ask again, “Do you want the red one or the green one?  Do you want it on this side of your plate or that one?” 

When she chooses you can compliment her on being a flexible thinker who is capable and able to handle disappointment and frustration.

• A second major concern is timing. 

Once you’ve said, “No,” if your child starts to throw a fit, you can’t go back and say, “Fine, what the heck, why not have jelly beans for dinner?  I didn’t want to fight this battle anyway.”  This response simply teaches your child especially a toddler to escalate to get what he wants and he will push for the whole nine yards.  (For an older child you could teach her to say, “Mom/dad,  could we please talk about this,” if you’ve spoken too quickly, but not a young toddler or preschooler.)

• Preschoolers and older children however have learned about choices. They also have a sense of time and understand “future.”

So for them there are many, many opportunities to teach flexible thinking.  Don’t want to go to school or maybe even more chilling, the question about sleeping in your room?  I’ve written about a family I know who gave their child three “mental health days” each school year.  If he stated he didn’t want to go to school that day, they’d simply say, “Oh, do you want to use one of your mental health days?  Then you’ll have two left.  Or, would you like to save it?”  Never in his 13 years of K-12 education did he ever use all three.   Another family told us about their tradition of First Friday campouts – every first Friday of the month they had a “picnic” in the living room and everyone “camped out” in the parent’s bedroom.  That eliminated the begging to be in their room because they could simply say, “Is it first Friday?”  And if it wasn’t – it was coming soon. 

Now if a child is stating he doesn’t want to go to school every day or begs to sleep with you every night there is an undiscovered fuel source that needs to be addressed.

But if it’s that quick, out of the blue moment, consider it a potential opportunity to teach flexible thinking – a critical life skill.