Dear
Dr. Mary and Lynn:
We
have been using the "time out" discipline method for our spirited 27-month-old.
An example is that he loves to jump on our couch, which is obviously dangerous.
When I see that I tell him that I'm counting to three and then he's going to
get a time out if he's still jumping when I get to three. He'll laugh, count to three with me and then
run into his bedroom shouting happily "TIME OUT!" and shut the door.
Two minutes later when I open the door, he's sitting in the rocking chair happily
reading "Pete the Cat" to himself. It doesn't seem like the time-out
method is eliciting the reaction we were looking for and it doesn't seem like
much of a punishment for him. Since we've been warned time and time again about
not using corporal punishment, I'm just not sure what our other options are.
Would love your help!
~
Susan
Dear Susan:
We love your son’s spirit!
What’s important to remember about toddlers is that everything in their
brain is telling them, “Do it! Try
it! Find out what will happen!” That’s why words alone will never stop them.
Next time you see him jumping on the couch, go to him. Let him know that you see he needs to jump.
Understand that he likes that hard sensory input from jumping. This is a good thing. You just don’t want him jumping on the
couch. So instead of sending him to
time-out re-direct him to a mini bouncer, a cushion on the floor or some other
suitable place for him to jump. Once
you’ve established the acceptable place anytime he begins jumping somewhere else,
redirect him to that mini bouncer or cushion.
You might also help him “remember” by downloading the image of stop sign
from the internet, printing it out and putting it on your couch for him to
see. Visual reminders really make a
difference.
The second thing to remember is that the purpose of a time out
is to take a break and calm down. It’s a tool for helping a child move from the
“red zone” of tense energy to the “green zone” of calm energy, rather than to
punish or make him suffer. We realize this
is different from the idea of “go rot and be miserable in your room for a
while.” And that’s why for us, time out
means take a break in a comfortable spot, look at a book and when you are calm
come back to work this through. He
doesn’t have to be miserable. Once he is
calm then you can do a “redo” teaching him the words and actions you want him
to use instead of those he did. Learning
doesn’t come from forced separation or punishment. Learning comes from knowing what to say or do
that would be more appropriate. The “redo”
is where the learning is not isolation or tears.
I really like the reminder here that the time out is to calm down. It took us quite a while to move emotionally from the 'punishment' version of "go to your room" to the 'calming' version but now it works wonderfully. Our five-year-old will go to her room and return of her own accord when she's ready to cooperate. Her 26-month-old brother is just starting to figure out the benefit of the same thing.
ReplyDeleteI know I can sure use it sometimes too!!!
Hi, Mary and Lynn!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for this idea of re-direction. That will be very helpful! Since I last asked the question, he's taken to hitting us when he is frustrated or he doesn't get his way. We'd been doing the same "You are going to get a time out" and "It's not ok to hit Mama/Papa", but he's still not "getting it" with the concept of the time-out. So, does the re-direction concept still hold? Should we say, "Wow, you seem really frustrated and like you need to hit something! Let's go hit a pillow!" Just wanting to know if this concept transfers in all cases or if there ARE times when we should be a little more of a "NO means NO" house. (And, just for context, I was raised in a house of corporal punishment and "Because I said so and I'm the mommy". There are times when I want to lean a little more to the authoratative methods, because that's what was modeled for me, but I'm trying to resist that. I am also constantly being scolded by my own mother for being too lax with my son, but I'm trying to tell her that times are different these days...).
Anyway, thanks again for your detailed answer above and for any additional guidance you might have on the more aggravated discipline issue of hitting now that we've graduated from jumping on the couch to something more serious.
Cheers,
Susan
Hi Susan, I enjoyed reading your exchange w/Mary and Lynn and have found it not only helpful, but admirable! I'd like to offer my own experience as a grand-mother for your consideration. When my (almost 4 year old grand-daughter) was younger and experimented w/hitting me, I let her know - clearly and firmly - that no, people are never for hitting. I only offered the 'pillows are okay to hit when I would catch her frustration rising' - not directly after she hit out at me. She simply doesn't hit people now. I think that a cathartic release of frustrated energy immediately substituted on a pillow instead of a sentient being is confusing. I also think that 'time outs' are great ways to learn to ground oneself calmly. Sometimes that calming is best on one's own in a neutral environment and sometimes the parent and child can take a quite time out together w/the child quietly held by the parent. It need not be a 'time away' in order to be called a time out.
ReplyDeleteAnd may I offer this w/re to your Mom? I hope she's not scolding you in front of your child. Whether she is or not, you can speak to her privately and set some firm limits:' I love you Mom and I'm not going to permit you to speak disparagingly to me about how I parent (and especially not in front of my son). I need your constructive support and encouragement and would love the same for your grand-child. I get that you want the best for us, but your scolding isn't giving me what you hope for, so it needs to stop.' If she wants in on constructive criticism, you can request that she notice 3 positive things about your behavior before saying the 1 thing she's worried about. And she can only bring up any worry she may have privately w/you.