Dear Dr. Mary and Lynn:
It's hard to give my spirited daughter time to process emotions, because her actions push me away, when really, I think she wants me close. It's so hard to be near her at those moments. I need time to process at that point... Tatum
Dear Tatum:
Whenever Lynn and I are working together I’m always amazed at how quickly she notices a child is upset. Once on a playground she stopped as we passed a little girl on a swing and asked her, “What’s up?” “They won’t play with me.” The child whimpered, pointing to a group of girls near the fence. Incredulous I asked Lynn, “How did you know she was distressed?” “There was a little line between her brows,” she replied. Then laughing, she explained, “I can ‘feel’ the intensity of others and knew to look.”
The “red zone” of intensity is catchy and that’s what is happening to you, Tatum. It’s a natural reaction. We’re mammals and if someone in the “herd” is sending out vibes that something is “up,” our system automatically gets ready to fight or flee too. But we don’t have to go there. This is where we, the adult take the deep breath, recognize the child is struggling to bring her arousal system back into balance and know we can help. It is not easy, because all too frequently the messages we are hearing in our head are things like, “Here we go again.” Or, “I have no idea what to do.” Or, “This is so embarrassing, everyone is watching.” Or, “I can’t believe she is treating me this way.” These messages can leave us feeling powerless and angry and as a result just increase our own intensity.
We can teach ourselves to screen that self-talk and change it to messages like, “This is inappropriate behavior and I am going to deal with it – but right now is not a teachable moment. First I have to calm her.” We can also remind ourselves that listening does not mean giving in – it’s seeking understanding. Trying to figure out what is she feeling or needing so we can determine what words and actions we’ll need to teach her to express them more appropriately next time.
So in the future try your best to stay “tuned –in.” When you first feel that “twinge” in your gut, don’t ignore it. Check out that “line between the brows.” The earlier you catch it, the easier it is to calm your child. If you innocently miss it and she’s upset, remind yourself, just like when she was a baby and needed help calming, she needs it now. Let her know you’ll stay nearby, but you can see she needs space. Remind yourself she doesn’t like to feel this way. It’s very uncomfortable to her too. If she’s hitting at you, hold her hands and stop her. Keep your voice calm. “I’m listening. I will help you.” Let go when you feel her body relax. Be silent. Know that like you, talking or too much stimulation makes it harder for her to calm.
When she’s back in balance and her body is relaxed, that’s when you will do a “re-do” helping her to understand what she was feeling in that situation, then teaching her the words and actions that would be more appropriate next time she feels that way and finally actually practicing with her.
By doing this, you will be modeling and directly teaching how to keep your cool – even in the “heat of the moment.” And then don’t forget – get yourself to bed. This is so much easier if you’re well rested!
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ReplyDeleteA new question- my heart is breaking as we try to teach our son to fall asleep on his own and sleep better at night. It has been a LONG road full of little sucess. He is almost 10months old and this is our third try teaching him to fall asleep. At the three months his sleep drastically changed. For three months he was waking every half hour to hour, all night long. We first tried sleep teaching at six months with the usual method of going in every 5-10minutes. After seven nights he was taking longer to fall asleep than the first night. We decided to try again. Now on our third try, night six, the same thing seems to be happening. I want him to learn, but don't want him to cry if it isn't going to help. That is how you get through this awful process, knowing it will work. And, usually in three nights, like with our first. I am desperately tired and not sure what to do now. What should we try next?
ReplyDeleteMonica
Dear Monica:
ReplyDeleteThere is torture in sleep deprivation. What you are describing is a spirited infant who is highly sensitive and very alert. You are not alone. It's estimated that 20-30% of all infants are "spirited". That's over one million babies a year in the US alone. I don't have to tell you that the cry-it-out method does not work for these infants. The key is focusing on his cues -which are harder to see because he moves through them so quickly, but you have to catch him at the mere reddening of the eyes, staring off into space, slowing play, eye rub. By the time he's fussying, hyper, arching or crying he's over tired. He also needs a rhythmic routine that protects his naps and if necessary, because these babies are often are "short nappers" to hold him and help him return to sleep if needed. Catching the cues and creating the predictable rhythmic routine have to be in place and then we can start the 'gentle nudge' to help him learn self soothing strategies without overwhelming his system. The research for my dissertation was on these infants. I love working with them and have found there really are strategies that can help you get the sleep your family needs without leavign him to cry. In the toughest moments know that it's not because he won't sleep, it's because he can't. He has an engine inside of him that runs fast and he needs more help putting on the brakes.
It's true they can't sleep. kind of wish had found more information like yours when my girl was born in 2009. as i tried lots of things to try to get her to sleep. I couldn't leave her to cry as so many insisted i try. (i did eventually when sleep deprived for almost a year), but we eventually worked it out. I really think you need to listen to your intuition and your self and not everyone else. If only i hadn't of spent hours a day for months trying to get her to sleep in a cot, with me there, going from cuddles to in cot/patting etc, and just worn her, she may have gotten more sleep. I am finding your book useful.
DeleteHi, Mary & Lynn,
ReplyDeleteYou were so helpful in answering my last question that I thought I'd try again. (I still don't know where to post questions, so I'm hoping that the comments section works ok!)
We have been using the "time out" discipline method for our spirited 27 month old. An example is that he loves to jump on our couch, which is obviously dangerous. When I say that I'm counting to three and then he's going to get a time out if he's still jumping when I get to three, he'll laugh, count to three with me and then run into his bedroom shouting happily "TIME OUT!" and shut the door. Two minutes later when I open the door, he's sitting in the rocking chair happily reading "Pete the Cat" to himself. It doesn't seem like the time-out method is eliciting the reaction we were looking for and it doesn't seem like much of a punishment for him. Since we've been warned time and time again about not using corporal punishment, I'm just not sure what our other options are. Would love your help again!
Thanks,
Susan