3 Tips for Keeping Your Cool

“I promised myself I was not going to yell at her again,” Kristin confessed.  “But sometimes it is as though it erupts from me. The force of it shocks me.  I keep wondering, who is this?”

How is Kristin supposed to keep her cool on the days it feels like her child is gunning for her?  How is she supposed to stop the rush of her own emotions?  It is not easy.  But it is possible.

Researchers use the term “self-regulation” to describe the ability to stay calm in the “heat of the moment.”  The problem is your body doesn’t know the difference between a tiger stalking you, and your child refusing to do what you just asked.  It reacts the same way.  Your heart and pulse rate escalate, blood pressure rises, stress hormones rush into the system and breathing quickens.  All of which leads to “tunnel vision.”  Suddenly your brain is looking for the “enemy.”  You stop listening. 

Avoid making eye contact.   Don’t want to be touched.  And lose your ability to problem solve or think creatively.  

Fortunately the brakes required to stop you from

automatically going into this “fight or flight” response are like a muscle.  

The more you exercise them the stronger they get.

So how do you strengthen the brakes?  

1.  Practice when emotional stakes are low.     

Why do worms live in the ground?  Why are people bigger than bugs? Why are there stop signs on school buses?  The repetitiveness of these seemingly inane questions can drive you a bit crazy, but within lays a gift.  It is unlikely you are emotionally involved with the topics and the kids are calmer too.  As a result these questions provide an opportunity to stop, tune in, and listen without the added challenge of a trailer full of your own emotions pushing from behind.  

2.  Share experiences.  

The next time your child asks, “Why” use it as an opportunity to extend the conversation.  Instead of reacting with statements like: “Because.”  Or, “I don’t know.” Or, “Enough, no more questions.” Take the conversation deeper.   Ask questions that engage both you and your child such as: 

“I don’t know.  What do you think?”      

“I wonder if it could be this?” 

“What else could it be?”     

Studies show that people who focus on experiences have higher levels of satisfaction, long after the moment of the experience has passed.  

3.  Savor the memories. 

True excitement and learning come from entering your child’s world and train of thought. These moments build family memories.   When you take the time to savor the good times you remember the sparkle in your child’s eyes.  How his face beamed with pleasure.  The delight of those conversations strengthens the “muscle” of your emotional brakes.  Blood pressure drops.  Heart rate slows to a deep loving thump in your chest.  

Then in that split second when your child’s why question is a more irritating, “Why do I have to..?”  

Instead of surging with negativity and frustration, that sweet innocent face will flash before you.

You like this child who engrosses you in the wonders of her world.

Taking that deep breath and stopping to listen is no longer quite so difficult - even in the “heat of the moment.”

“I don’t want to go to school!”

These words can punch you in the stomach leaving you queasy all day long.  How do you know if this is a “slow to warm up” typical reaction for your child, a desperate siren call commanding you to snatch him from the abyss of a terrible classroom, or time to teach him how to work with difficult people?

There is a saying that when you hear hoof beats think horses – not zebras.

Your child’s lament may break your heart and make you late for work, but be careful not to immediately leap to the “worst case scenario.”   Before any problem can be solved it’s essential that you fully understand it.  Take time to truly listen to your child.  (Recent statistics demonstrate we only do this about 30% of the time.)  

Ask questions which require more than a “yes” or “no” reply, such as:

• “What do you not like about school?”

• “Did someone say something that hurt your feelings?”  

• “Was someone mean to you? “ 

• “Did something scare you?”  

It may take more than one conversation, but continue coming back to the topic until you hear the deep sigh, see shoulders relax and an expression on your child’s face that clearly communicates, “You’ve got it!  You understand!  Thank you!”  

If your child is not a “talker” but is able to read and write a journal that you share might be the perfect tool to “discuss” the concerns.  If neither are working it’s time to go to school and observe for yourself what’s happening.  If a parent is not allowed in the classroom then simply walk your child to the door and stand in the hallway for a few minutes.  

Watch your child enter.  Do other children and the teacher greet him?  Listen to the words and tone of the teacher.  If you hear shaming, contempt or bullying statements, walk from the classroom to the principal’s office.  Find out if he or she is aware of what’s going on in the classroom.  If not, repeat what you have heard and describe what has been observed.  Keep it factual and verbatim.   Ask what will be done about it.  When Sarah, a parent we talked with recently, did this she was surprised to learn the principal was unaware.  But once he was, he took action.  Within the week the teacher was replaced.  

But sometimes things are not clearly black and white.

The teacher is stern, but not mean or cruel.  Expectations are high, but not unrealistic.  Policies are strict, but fair.  Directions are a bit fuzzy, but provided.  While it’s not the warmest atmosphere it’s not destructive in any way.  If you have a highly sensitive child it’s true that this is not a perfect “fit.”  However, learning to cope and thrive in the world at large which is frequently only “good enough” is an essential life skill.  Avoidance actually can make tough situations worse.  Supported practice makes them better.  

Rein yourself in.  Rather than going after the teacher step back and teach your child how to manage the situation.

• If she’s struggling with directions brainstorm how she might ask for clarification. 

• If the tone of voice disturbs her identify other people she knows who love her, but are gruff curmudgeons; harmless despite their crusty demeanor and even potential “teddy bears” when you really get to know them.  

• If rules feel too “strict” explore openings for discussing changes.  

• Problems may be addressed with a list of potential solutions.  

It’s inevitable in life that your child will run into a “difficult” boss, colleague, peer, roommate or neighbor.

 

By starting now during your child’s early years you can prepare her for those tough times.  Identify the problem, brainstorm solutions, practice together and celebrate successes.  It does take longer than handling the situation yourself, but the positive results and sense of competence your child experiences endure and protect for a lifetime.  

Is Your Child in a Great Classroom?

In the video that arrived on my Facebook page the other day Big Foot sways to the music, leaps in the air and chuckles in delight.  The head line reads, “How parents feel when their kids go back to school.” But sometimes along with the relief of returning to a routine comes the angst of whether or not your child is in a good classroom.

The answer to this question is available to you through your senses.   

Listen carefully.  


It’s the hum of voices that strikes you first in a quality classroom.  Children are busy, focused on their projects.  No child is an “outsider,” wondering aimlessly about the room.    Heads nearly touch as groups of three and four figure out a task.  One child offers a suggestion, while another voices disagreement; voices rise for a moment yet no argument breaks out thanks to a teacher keenly tuned in to what is happening in her classroom.  With the first note of intensity she nonchalantly steps toward the group.  They look toward her confident in the knowledge she’s coming to help them.  She asks a few questions, offers hints, exclaims over their discoveries, and listens to their explanations.  Her support and guidance allow the children to solve the problem, and celebrate their success with a round of “high fives.”

During group time the children draw close to the teacher, except for two.  One is on the outskirts of the group lying on the floor not disrupting in any way.   

You’ll see her need for space is recognized and allowed.

Another is playing with a gadget looking up every few seconds as the teacher turns the pages of her book.  It’s apparent he’s listening, and since he is in no way disturbing the group, there is no reprimand.  

But then he crosses the line.  He adds a “motor” to the gadget, his voice rising to a roar.  All heads turn toward him.  The teacher motions him to join her.  Wraps an arm around him, draws him to her, and whispers in his ear offering him a choice to join the group, or take a break.  He chooses to set down his gadget and sit next to her chair.  She goes on.  No shouts, threats, shaming or berating occurred.  The lines were clear; respectfully and confidently enforced.  

If we turned this vision into a check list here are 8 elements you will want to see, hear, and feel in a GREAT classroom.

Joy:  Teachers, children, staff members, and parents visiting the school are happy.  Giggles season the conversations.  

Calm:  Your “gut” relaxes the minute you step in the door.  No sudden clinches or flips of your stomach, tightening of the neck muscles, shoulders suddenly shooting up to hang from your earlobes, or eyes widening.  Instead you find yourself relaxing, and drawn to enter.  You WANT to be part of this.  There is no inner warning system shouting, “Flee, while you can!”  

Cherished:  Images of the children’s home lives, cultures and interests splash across the walls adding color and a clear message; all are welcome here.  Children are called by name.  Questions about the new puppy, baby, or grandma’s illness quickly clue you in; the adults know these children.  

Understood:  Warm hugs, gentle touch, and listening ears are the “band aides” for tears, and even angry shouts.  No shaming, or demands to “STOP IT!”   

Respected:  Real conversations occur.  Children’s opinions and ideas are valued.  When a child answers a teacher’s question with a “left field” response, it’s not met with a scornful declaration, “We are not talking about that right now!”  Instead there is recognition and respectful re-direction. “Oh, you had a different idea, and I want to talk with you about that later.”  

Knowledgeable:  Children are excited to tell you what they are learning, know why they are learning it, and in what ways it is important to them.  

Safe: Expectations are clear, simple, consistent, and visible.  An approaching adult is viewed as someone coming to help, not as a threat. Children know what is appropriate behavior, and have been intentionally taught effective strategies to resolve conflicts.  You are not surprised when you hear one child demand to another, “You have to share!”  But rather than war breaking out the other child responds.   “Well that’s one idea, why don’t we trade instead?”

Excited:  Materials are stimulating, activities diverse, and instruction is presented visually, verbally, and physically.  Models and demonstrations are abundant.  No matter what a child’s learning style is there is something for him.  

When you find a classroom that looks, feels and sounds like this there is no doubt you have found a GREAT one!

Of course not every classroom is a “ten.”  Some are mediocre not wonderful, but not too bad.  And then of course there are a few that are downright awful.   Next time we’ll address the important life lessons your child can learn when he lands in a mediocre classroom.  We will follow up that with how to know when it’s time to step-in, and make a change.  

Is Your Child “Showing You” He’s Stressed about Going Back to School?

How does your child tell you, he’s freaking out about going back to school?  

Some kids make it pretty obvious, but others are a bit more subtle.

Instead of communicating their anxiety verbally, they show it, with behaviors that are annoying and sometimes downright challenging.  It’s easy to miss the connection.  But think about it.

• Is your son suddenly refusing to do things he was perfectly capable of doing yesterday?  Like going upstairs by himself?  But now is insisting you go with him?  

• Or, has your daughter suddenly lost the ability to dress herself?  

• Could you previously walk out the door with the kids barely looking up from their play to say goodbye, but now they’re dashing after you, begging, “Don’t leave me!”  

It’s easy to get caught in the flames of misbehavior.  But discovering the real fuel source is essential for stopping those behaviors.  This time of the year, that “fuel” source is often stress about starting school.  So what behaviors might you see?

Signs of Stress:  

• Any abrupt change in behavior – and  not for the better
• Difficulty falling asleep 
• Suddenly waking in the night and struggling to go back to sleep 
• Inability to settle or sit still 
• Not eating 
• Increased irritability – nothing is “right” 
• Inability to make decisions 
• Uptick in frequency and intensity of arguments with siblings and you 
• Pestering pets
• Clingy 
• Unexpected appearance of separation anxiety 
• Refusal to do things capable of doing – demanding help dressing, eating, walking, falling asleep 
• Meltdowns over seemingly insignificant things
• Aggressive 
• Crabby 
• Always “hot” 

Every child is different, but your child probably has a few “predictable stress behaviors.”  When you see them, do not get “caught” in the “flames.”  Recognize that the true fuel source is fear and anxiety.  Provide extra support and a gentle nudge and they will get through it.  Here are some tested strategies to ease the way.

Strategies that make it better:  

• Avoid ignoring emotions or behaviors.  Talk about what you see, hear or feel.  
• “I see you are not hungry today.  What’s up?  Are you worried about starting school?” 
• Ask what frightens them about beginning school.  The answers may surprise you.  
• When Lynn asked the children at Paidea this question their responses included; being sent to the principal’s office, not knowing where the bathroom was or who they would sit with at lunch. Once you understand what’s making them anxious, you can be “problem solvers.” 
• Visit the school BEFORE classes begin.  
• Meet the teacher.  Find the locker, lunchroom, bathroom and your child’s desk.  
• Ask who is in the class so your child knows if he already has a friend in the same room.  
• Practice walking from the drop-off area into the school.  
• This can be a frightening experience for slow to warm children.  An opportunity to practice privately makes it much easier on the big day. 
• Get them on a sleep schedule now, that fits the fall routine.  
• Dragging a child out of bed, an hour earlier than he’s been rising all summer is not the way to start a new school year.  Sleep deprivation fuels anxiety.  
• Organize a homework, backpack and dressing space at home.  
• Find out what the schedule will be at school and make a picture plan so your child knows what to expect. 
• Be proactive.  
• Recognize this is a stressful time.  When you are at home, before leaving a room, stop and ask your child if she wants to stay and play or come with you.  If she chooses to come with you, stop and wait for her, and say, “Okay, but soon you’ll be ready to just play, because mom/dad always come back.  
• The same is true for dressing.  BEFORE your child insists that you help him, ask, “Is today a day you would like help dressing?”  Again, if he says, “yes,”  Respond, “Okay, but, probably tomorrow you’ll be ready to do it yourself again.”  This meets your child’s needs yet gently nudge shim forward, with the expectation that soon, this will be old hat!  

Let us know how it goes!

Next time we’ll explore what you will see, hear and feel in a “good classroom.”

Children, Chores and Conflict: Do They Really have to Go Together?

“Pick up your shoes.”  “Clean your room.”  “Put away your toys.”  “Set the table.”  Whenever, these directives cross your mind, odds are an internal battle begins.  Part of you believes the kids should be helping.  Yet it’s as though there is a war going on in your head.

• One voice shouts, “It’s good for them to help.   They’ll learn responsibility.”
• While another counters, “It’s not worth the fight.”
• Or, “I can do it ten times faster and better, if I just do it myself.”  
• And then again, there might be one with a tinge of guilt whispering, “They are too young, maybe later.”

Included in our top ten most frequently voiced power struggle scenarios, is chores.
Or, more specifically, “How do we get the kids to do chores without throwing down the gauntlet, hurling threats and screaming at one another?”

Winning cooperation begins with us ending the wrestling match in our head by figuring out, why we are bothering to include the kids in family chores in the first place.

It is true; you can do any of the aforementioned tasks more efficiently and effectively than your child.   However, by doing so you maybe, robbing your child of the opportunity to learn your family values.  

• For example, in your family do you believe; 
• It is important that everyone works together?  
• Or, do you want your child to learn to be responsible?  
• What about the ability to care for one’s self?  Is that an essential life skill you desire for the kids?  

Completing chores provide the opportunity to teach all of these lessons.

Once you clearly understand why you are putting forth the energy to include your children in chores, your confidence will rise.  When that occurs, the kids will resist much less than you might expect.  They sense, there is no way around this one.  So what can you expect at different ages?   Here is a list Lynn and I have put together as a potential guideline

Chores for Different Ages

Infants:

Yes, even babies can begin to “take responsibility.”  Before you whip off that sock, simply pull it off the 5-month-old’s heel and let him drag it off!  Before you drop your eleven-month-old's pants, stand her up, ask her to help tug them to her knees and let her push them to her ankles.  By slowing down and involving her, not only will you win cooperation, but you’ll be teaching the embryonic lessons of taking responsibility for self care.  

Toddlers: 

Lunch is finished at Paidea, Lynn’s child care center and all 12 toddlers, beginning at age 15 months of age, slide out of their chairs, stopping to dump their trash in the garbage can, put their cup in the sink and push their chair back in to the table.  It can be done.  The secret is taking the time to do it, every time.  

Here are a few more: 

• Handing you toys as you put them away on the shelf. 
• Getting their diaper for you to help them change. 
• Sorting socks or silverware from the dishwasher 
• Picking up shoes and putting them 
• Using little brooms and dustpans

Preschoolers: 

• All of the above 
• Beginning to pull up sheets and covers on their beds 
• Helping with yard work 
• Washing cars 
• Stirring, mixing , scrubbing potatoes or carrots, tearing lettuce
• Table setting 
• Clearing the table 
• Sorting laundry 
• Learning  to fold clothes 

School age: 

• Dusting
• Picking up their room 
• Vacuuming 
• Carrying out trash 
• Taking care of pets 
• Washing dishes 
• Loading the dishwasher 
• Helping  prepare meals 
• Baking  

Our list is just a “start.”  Please let us know what tasks your children are doing.   What strategies help you to slow down, and allow your children to discover what they can accomplish?  

Tips to Getting the Kids through the Door, Off the Swings, and into Bed without the Tears

It’s been an exhausting day, yet you have managed to pick up the kids, get them outside to play in the yard and put together a decent family dinner.  Feeling rather proud of yourself, you open the door to announce it’s time to stop playing and come inside to eat.  In your imagination, this is the moment when both kids immediately begin cheering, exuberantly shouting their gratitude for your outstanding effort.  But instead the youngest, dashes away, screaming, “No, you can’t make me!”  It’s tempting to grab him and shout in his face, “You ungrateful little jerk!”  But instead you sigh deeply, wondering if you are the only parent on the face of the earth, who can’t even get her kids inside the door without screaming.  Lynn and I want you to know you are not alone in your frustration and it really is possible to get through the day without losing them at the door.

Stopping one thing and starting another is called a transition.  

Transitions are minefields for meltdowns.

That’s because they are often synonymous with surprises; a major trigger for spirited kids.

Summer is filled with transitions.  

• Shifting from sleep to awake is a transition.  
• Taking off pajamas and putting on clothing is a transition.  
• Going out the door and getting in the car is a transition. 
• So too is opening the car door and walking into camp, leaving a friend’s house or the beach, stopping play for clean-up or bedtime, or discovering that dad is picking up the kids, instead of mom.  

Fortunately the most difficult transitions tend to be predictable.  

They occur daily.  Yet without preparation they also have the potential to wreak havoc every time.   So how can you make them better?

1. Identify the most challenging transitions.   Stop and think about the 3 most difficult times of the day.  Odds are, every one of them is a transition; requiring your child to stop one thing and begin another.  Select one to focus on today.  

2. Sit down with the kids and make a visual plan.  We know, Lynn and I are always touting visual plans.  That’s because they work!  Once you have identified that stickiest transition, grab a piece of copy paper and draw out four to six frames like a cartoon.  In each frame have the kids draw a picture of one step they will be taking to shift from one thing to the next.

Let’s take coming to dinner.  The first frame includes a picture of arriving home.  The second one depicts the kids playing in the yard.  The third shows them coming back in the door and the fourth sitting down to eat. 

3. Clarify what the consequence will be if the plan is not followed.  The consequence does not have to be harsh, but it does need to be clear.  For example, it might be, “If you do not come in when time is up, you will be choosing not to play outside, before dinner, the following day.  Or, “If you do not come in, when asked, the next day outside play time will be shorter because it takes longer to get inside.”  

Once everything is clear, “read” the plan together to review each step, and insure that everyone understands what is expected.  

4. Be concrete.  Young children do not have a sense of time.  Even if you tell them they have twenty minutes to play.  Or in five minutes they will need to stop and come in, they do not fully understand what that means.  Instead give them a color timer.  (You can get one at www.timetimer.com.  These timers show a circle of red on a clock face so as time passes the red disappears.  Even young children can “see,” and more importantly, understand, when the time is almost up.)  

When there is ten minutes left, give them a forewarning.  “You have ten minutes left, what do you need to do to be ready to come in?”  Then, “You have two more minutes.  What is one more thing you want to do?”  Be specific and concrete, describing what that one thing will be.  For example, one more; swing, kick of the ball, journey across the monkey bars, or dash around the perimeter of the yard.  A fair forewarning includes more than a reminder of 5 more minutes, followed by a sudden declaration that time is up.  

5. Do what you said you would do.  If despite the visual plan and concrete forewarnings your child resists it’s time to follow through.  Let him know that you will count to three. If he does not choose to walk into the house, you will carry him.  And if you carry him he will have chosen not to play outside the next day. The choice will be his.  

Then count, “One, you can choose to walk into the house and play outside tomorrow, or, I will choose to carry you and know you do not choose to play outside tomorrow.”  Two, the statement is repeated.  Three, “You did not choose to walk inside so I will choose to carry you.”  This is when he insists he will do it and you must firmly state, “I’m sorry.  You made a choice.  Next time you can make a different one. Then carry him in the house.  

6. Follow through.  The next day, despite the fact that you would really, really like a bit of peace and quiet, the kids need exercise and it’s a beautiful day, do not allow your little spirited one, who failed to come in peacefully yesterday, to play outside today.  We know this will take more time and effort from you.  But it’s only for one day, yet the message is critical.  Mom really does do what she said she would do.  

Now there might be a little voice in your head thinking this is way too much work.  Or, the kids should do what I ask them to do without all of this “talking and planning.”  Or, maybe even the other kids come inside without an argument, why do I have to do this for him?  

But think about it.  If you were having a relaxing conversation with a friend (we know you remember those moments) and suddenly another friend demanded it was time to leave, odds are you would not be too happy.  It’s a matter of respect to let someone know what to expect.   Children are people too.  

And once you and the kids get used to making visual plans, doing so will take you about 3 minutes. These are not works of art – you should see Lynn’s!  We both just let the kids scribble their drawings because we are artistically challenged.  Simply adding a few words allows us to remember what the “drawings” represent.  Visual plans can also be saved and used repeatedly so after the initial creation, all you have to do is review them before the transition.  

And while some children transition easier than others, if you do not provide that extra support for your spirited child, you’ll lose him.  This is when it is essential to remember, he did not get to choose his wiring.  He came this way.  It is an asset in that he values routines and while temperament is genetic, it is not destiny.  Through practice and coaching from you, he can learn to manage transitions like a pro.  Soon, thanks to your guidance, he will be able to make his own plans.   Over time, when there is an unexpected transition, he’ll even be able to stop, take a deep breath and declare, “That was a surprise!” He will not fall apart, because you have helped him gain the skills he needed to be successful.   

Try it!  

Share your success stories with us so we can celebrate with you.

“It’s mine!” Sharing in the Sandbox and at Other Summer Gatherings

After arriving at the gathering and dropping your four-year-old at the sand box, you’ve grabbed a few chips and a cold drink.  Shifting your shoulders slightly, you take a deep breath.  So far all is quiet.   Joining the adult conversation you attempt to focus, but something inside of you keeps you alert to what’s happening in the “box.”  Just as you begin to relax, the shriek erupts.  “No, that’s mine!” Without even looking you know, it’s coming from your child.  Sighing very, very deeply, you turn to see him and his cousin, in a tug of war over the Tonka truck.   The cousin loses, tumbling to the ground.  Your son stands over him fiercely grasping the truck in both arms.  All eyes turn to you.

Sharing is an essential life skill, which becomes blatantly apparent, during those summer time family and neighborhood gatherings.

However, for a spirited child, who is committed to his goals, learning to share is not always an easy skill to acquire.  How do you teach sharing?  Lynn will tell you the lessons begin at Paidea, her child development center, in the toddler room.

First know the developmental stages of sharing. 

1.  Ownership:  Children need to “own” before they are ready to share. 

2.  Taking turns: Children can learn to ask for a turn, or to allow another child to have a turn.  

3.  Learning to wait:  Children can and need to learn delayed gratification.  

4.  Cooperative play: Children must have well developed language skills to be able to “share” and work together.  

So what does this look like? 

• Understanding ownership begins with allowing each child to have his or her own materials. When you pull out the play dough instead of dumping the entire mass on the table, break it into pieces, setting one in front of each child so she can “own” it.  Or rather than a pile of blocks in the middle of the floor, count them out with the children and give each child ten.  In the sandbox, you make certain there are numerous pails, shovels, trucks, etc. so each child can have at least one.  

• Taking turns and learning to wait:  Inevitably in the process of “owning,”  one child has the red block everyone wants.  Or, despite the fact there are three trucks, the yellow one is coveted by all.  This is the opportunity to introduce turn taking.  It is also the chance to teach delayed gratification or the ability to “wait.”  

• So you say to the child who wants the truck his cousin is holding, “Gunnar, you want the truck and Oscar has it.  Shall we tell him you would like a turn?”  When Gunnar agrees, which he will do because you are addressing his interest, you turn to Oscar and say, “Oscar, Gunnar would like a turn.  How long until you are finished?  Gunnar is going to wait until you give it to him.”  

• Oscar tells you he needs five more minutes, or he might ignore the request and simply continue digging.  Whichever way it goes, you wait a few minutes and remind him, “Remember Gunnar is waiting.  It is almost time for his turn.”  When Oscar shouts, “No,” you stay calm and empathize.  “It sounds like you are not finished.  When Gunnar is done, shall we tell him you want it back?”  Oscar agrees and hands it over.  Albeit reluctantly, but he does it.  

• Cooperative Play:    This level of sharing is unlikely to occur before the preschool years when children’s language skills are well developed. This is where the children work together, using the yellow truck and the red truck to haul gravel for the castle they are constructing together.  Or the yellow truck, now overflowing with sand, requires not one, but TWO helpers to roll it across the sandbox to the building site.  

When children are of different ages, or have varying levels of language, you have to drop to the stage of the youngest child.

A preschooler may well be able and expected to “own,” take turns and play cooperatively, but a two-year-old won’t get past turn taking.  So if the conflict arises between a two-year-old and a three-year-old, to help them resolve this conflict find another truck so each can own.  But if there are two preschoolers you can talk about taking turns and how they can work cooperatively together.  

Now you might be thinking I want to just eat my chips and savor my ice cold drink.

This is WAY too much talking and it’s a whole lot easier, to simply grab the truck and declare, “If you are going to fight over it, I’m taking it away.”  But doing so robs you of an opportunity to teach sharing, an essential life skill, which can transfer from the sandbox, to the classroom, into the work place and to a healthy marriage.  Don’t miss it!  

Free Play or Register Me Now? Solving the Summer Dilemma

“Any summer plans?”   I asked the parents in my group.  They slumped into their chairs, emitting groans and shaking their heads.  It was Kristin who broke the silence.

“Summer has become the season of ‘shoulds,'" she announced.  “He should be in swim lessons.  He should be playing soccer.  Oh, and don’t forget T-ball.”

Scowling, she continued, “I can see it now, the baby will never get her naps, I’m going to spend every free minute in the car and I cannot even think about the expense.”  Then she sighed, her voice dropping, “But if I don’t sign him up, I worry I’ll be letting him down, or he will never play on a high school team.  He’s only four-years-old, but still.”   Glancing around the group, she reflected,
“I don’t know about the rest of you, but I feel like I am trapped in a no-win situation.”

A long moment of silence filled the room.  Kristin had “laid it on the table.”  Suddenly the group erupted as everyone jumped into the conversation, eager to add their frustrations to Kristin’s.

I could not help it.  My eyes lit up with excitement.

“This is the perfect opportunity for teaching problem-solving skills!”

I declared.  If looks could kill, I was dead on the spot.  But I continued.  “Think about it, some of the most important things you can teach your children are:

• how to creatively solve problems

• establish priorities

• and learn how to bring balance into their lives!”

The groans grew louder.  “Really," I said.  "Think about it.

If you asked your child what he wanted to do this summer, what would he say?”

“The only thing Gunnar would answer is ‘play,’” Ben stated dryly.

“Exactly,” I whooped in delight.

“But that doesn’t tell us anything!”  Ben insisted.

“Ah, but it does.  It tells us everything!”  I exclaimed.

You see four-year-olds don’t have any “shoulds” running through their brains.

They are not worried whether or not they are keeping up with the kids next door, or whether they will ever play high school soccer.  They are living in the moment and we can learn wonderful lessons from them.  Don’t get me wrong.  Structured activities can be educational and fun, but there are alternatives.

Imagine if instead of hitting the ‘pay now’ button on the registration page for yet one more class or team, you did what Lynn does at Paidea.  You created ‘play boxes.’”  Blank stares greeted my suggestion.

I turned to the board and began writing.

Art Box    

Contents:  ribbon, wrapping paper, construction paper, glue, tape, more tape, tape of all colors, markers, crayons, scissors, tissue paper, a stapler, stickers, string, toothpicks, pipe cleaners, paint, sequins, etc.

Water Toy Box 

Contents:  sponges for washing trucks, plastic animals, dolls, things that sink and float, turkey baster, strainers, funnels, brushes, etc.

Eyes lit up and suddenly the entire group was brainstorming.

Construction Box 

Contents: golf tees, Styrofoam, tools, tool apron, hard hats, measuring tape, pencils, glue, tape, etc.

Dress–up Box 

Contents: scarves, hats, purses, bags, capes, belts, vests, large jewelry, ties, etc.

Train Box 

Contents: trains, track, blocks, paper for tickets, maps, hats, cardboard, paint, etc. 

Music Box 

Contents:  rhythm instruments, streamers, favorite music, etc.

And for the older kids:

Deconstruction Box 
Contents:  an old piece of furniture or other items that can be taken apart with a few tools.  (Avoid electrical items such as computer monitors or camera flashes which can have capacitors inside that hold an electric charge even when unplugged.  Check the internet for more information.)  
The list went on as the group offered suggestions; 
• a theater box,
• grocery store box, 
• Olympics box, 
• ball box, 
• garden box;  

The possibilities were endless. 

So, imagine if instead of dreading the idea of feeding the kids in the car and dashing off to a structured practice, you could go outside, pull out the music box and for a solid twenty minutes play with the kids before starting dinner.  Or, rather than waking the baby to haul her out to your preschooler’s art class, you put her down for a long uninterrupted nap, opened the art box and revisited your artistic self with your preschooler?  And if you were really honest, would your four-year-old rather play ball with you in the backyard, or go stand in line at T-ball?   
Your drawers, cupboards and attic are full of potential supplies.  If something is missing you can hit the local garage sales or thrift shops with your kids – Lynn’s favorite thing to do - and if you still need a few materials, check the dollar store.  
By using one morning this weekend to sit down as a family to brainstorm “play box” ideas, gather the supplies and find the perfect spot to store them, you’ll be ready at a moment’s notice for hours of “free play.”  What will be the result?  
Your child will practice skills such as:
• creative problem-solving, 
• team work, 
• self-motivation, 
• persistence and perseverance, 
• self- expression,
• and flexible thinking to name just a few.  

Now these are the REAL essential life skills!

If that is not enough reason to try it, take a moment to visualize how competent and confident the kids will feel when they show off their creations.  And for just a second, imagine “playing” instead of rushing, actually enjoying the deck you built instead of glancing at it as you dash out the door, and looking forward to summer because you know it is going to be FUN!  

Let us know what you think.  

• Are you “letting your children down” if you choose to play instead of signing up for another structured activity?  
• What happens when you “play” with the kids? 
• Have you discovered successful strategies to bring balance into your summer days?  

When Your Child Just Gets Angrier If You Try to Talk about Emotions

Ever wonder why when one child is upset, if you offer a hug, she melts into your arms but another pushes you away?  Ask one if she’s sad and she’ll spill all her woes to you, while another snaps “I’m not sad!” Despite the fact you know she is.

The difference in their responses is because children, like adults have a preference for “feeling” first or “thinking” first as they explore their emotions.  

Let’s take a look at the differences.

Cason wants to wear his favorite purple jersey to school.  Trouble is, it’s in the wash and at this moment it’s soaking wet.  

His mom says to him, “You really wanted to wear your jersey.  It’s in the wash.   That’s so disappointing. Can I give you a hug?  

• If Cason nods and accepts the hug, she will follow the feeling path and treat him as a little feeler who 

        needs to wallow in those emotions before he’s ready to solve this problem.  The conversation         

        continues like this. 

• “I know it’s really hard.  You love that jersey.  It’s so special to you.  I wish it wasn’t wet.  You’re 

        really sad right now.”  

• Then mom knows to PAUSE and let him be sad for a while before she asks him, “Do you want to 

        think of some things we can do?”  If Cason still says, “No,” she’ll remind him that they are a problem 

        solving family and flexible thinkers.  

• “Let’s try to think of at least 3 things we could do to make this better.”  She might continue.  

• Together they will brainstorm possible solutions - anything is a possibility – wear it wet, put it on when

        he comes home from school, or find another shirt the same color to wear today.  When all of the 

        potential solutions are on the table he can pick one and solve the problem!  

So what are the steps if your child is the feeling mode? 

• Stay with the feelings 
• Give your child time and space to be sad for a while 
• Ask if she’s ready to solve the problem 
• Brainstorm possible solutions and choose one 
• Only after the feeler has had an opportunity to “feel” will she be ready to solve the problem

If your child is in a thinker mode this scenario will begin the same way, but quickly needs to switch tactics.  It may sound like this.

• “You really wanted to wear your jersey.  It’s in the wash.   That’s so disappointing.  Can I give you a hug?"  
• If instead of accepting your comfort your child pushes you away try your best not to get upset with him or attempt to convince him he’s sad.   Switch to the facts saying, “Tell me what you’re thinking. How would you like it to be?  What should we do about this?”  
• Only after he’s had an opportunity to declare his plan and describe what’s happened, what’s unfair or unjust will he be ready to solve the problem with you. 
• Once he’s had his opportunity to vent, you can say, “What are three things we could do to make this better?"   
• After you’ve solved the problem together the teachable moment opens for emotion coaching.  This is where you finally can say, “That was really disappointing wasn’t it?"  Or, “You were really sad."

So what are the steps for working with a child in the thinking mode? 

ü Acknowledge the situation – state the facts

ü        Allow your child to tell you what he’s thinking or what happened

ü       Brainstorm and select a solution

ü       Teach the name of the emotion

When your child is young, it’s not easy to identify his or her preference and to be honest he may switch depending on the day or the situation.  So begin by offering the hug.  If he takes it, odds are he’s open to the feeling strategies today and needs to express his emotions before he’s ready to solve the problem.  If on the other hand she rejects the hug, switch tactics and begin exploring the facts.  Emotions are important to everyone, but how we get to them is different.  Understanding those differences keeps us working together. 

When Your Child is Refusing to Do What She is Capable of Doing: Skill vs. Will

Typically five-year-old Andrew bounced out of bed in the morning, dressed and was ready for breakfast 15 minutes later, but on this morning when his mom greeted him with “Hey Buddy, how are you doing?”  He lost it, shrieking, “Don’t talk to me!  I hate you.”  Of course not two minutes later he was begging her to help him dress.  Not only did she not have time, since she normally didn’t need to assist him, but quite frankly she didn’t feel much like helping him out after he’d been calling her names.  Yet she knew if she ignored him and insisted he dress himself, since he was perfectly capable of doing so, things would only get worse.  But when she attempted to help him, his body went lax, making it impossible to get his pants on.  And when she had a go at wrestling him into them, he kicked her. 

There is a saying in the management guides: Some have the skill, but not the will.  Some have the will, but not the skill. 

Being cooperative and successful is a combination of having the skill and having the will.  

Since Andrew has dressed himself in the past and usually does so with little to no prompting when he “can’t dress himself” it’s pretty obvious he’s lacking the will. The question of course is why? 

This is where you have to slam on your brakes and resist the urge to push harder for compliance.  Instead stop and consider what’s “getting in the way.”

ü  Was there a late bedtime last night? 

ü  Is there something at school that’s causing him stress? 

ü  Did he wake up thinking it was a stay home day when it’s a school day? 

ü  Was he hungry because he didn’t eat much dinner last night?

ü  Is he coming down with something?

So swallow that scream, let your breath out slowly, know that if you take a few minutes to calm him and 

find out what’s going on, odds are you can easily re-ignite the “will” or at least win his cooperation if he 

needs a bit of help today.  Don’t worry, this will not develop into a “bad habit.”  You can let him know 

that you realize today he needs a bit of assistance, but soon you expect he’ll be raring to go on his own 

again.  

Sometimes however, what looks like a lack of will is actually a lack of skill.

It’s easy to be fooled.   For example, that writing assignment that would take a measly five minutes to 

complete if your child would just sit down and do it has now turned into a 45-minute tantrum including 

torn papers and a chair knocked over.  A knee jerk reaction is he’s just being lazy, or blatantly 

oppositional – just like your brother used to be – ok, still is - but behind those protests may be a hidden 

fine motor delay making it so draining and exhausting  to complete the task that he really can’t do it. The 

reality is he wants to do it and even realizes it would please both his teacher and his parents if he did – 

but he can’t.  

Then there is the child that you might swear hates playgrounds, but upon closer observation he’s 

stumbling and falling.  Struggling to climb, run or jump, or gets dizzy on a swing.  Dis-interest is actually 

masking a gross motor delay.  

Then there is the child that you might swear hates playgrounds, but upon closer observation he’s 

stumbling and falling.  Struggling to climb, run or jump, or gets dizzy on a swing.  Disinterest is actually 

masking a gross motor delay.  

So how do you know if it’s lack of will or skill?

You don’t without a bit of investigation. 

• If a child usually complies but isn’t doing what he’s been able to do in the past, odds are it’s a lack of will.

But that doesn’t imply he’s just being difficult.  There is a reason he is in “shut down” on this particular day and it’s not just to make you late for work or to “get you!”  

• If it’s an ongoing battle and he never wants to do it, 
• gives up quickly,
• or has never really been consistently successful, you’ll want to explore further that even though you might expect him to be capable at this age, he’s lacking the skill and needs more support.

The will is there, it’s just tucked behind the lack of skill.

Sometimes it is difficult to believe, but the reality is that children want to be capable and to please the adults in their lives. When they’re not cooperating it’s important to look for the real fuel source – whether it be will overwhelmed by stress, or a skill not yet developed.  There is always a reason and when you address it you’ll soon gain the cooperation you desire.