No More Begging to Get Your Child to Do What you Ask

Remember the old days when getting out the door merely required putting on your coat and walking out? Or, when someone said, why don’t we go?  You just went?  That was BEFORE the kids arrived.  Now it’s a different story.  Not only are there multiple coats to get on, but those little people frequently have plans of their own, which are often on a schedule that has nothing to do with yours.  Instead of effortlessly dashing out the door, it’s a Herculean effort.

“Please get dressed Emma.  Emma it’s time to get dressed.  We’re going to be late.  Emma, you need to put on your clothes.  Emma please.” 

This is where you promise yourself you are not going to yell.  You breathe deeply sucking in your breath like a drowning woman gasping for air.  And then you lose it!  “If you don’t get dressed, I’m taking away your teddy bear!”  Now Emma is sobbing.  A pang of guilt stabs your gut and suddenly you’re on your knees trying to zip a coat and begging.    “Emma, please, if you get dressed, I’ll give you two pieces of candy.” This is NOT what you ever imagined.

Do you feel like you are constantly begging your child to do what you ask?  Ultimately ending up threatening to take away a privilege or resorting to a bribe just to get her to respond?

• It doesn’t have to be that way. 
• It really is possible to get out the door, toys picked up, homework completed and more – without begging.  

You can be an emotion coach!

Emotion coaches don’t beg nor do they toss out empty threats – even if sometimes it would be really tempting to give it a try.  They do provide predictability so their child knows what to expect.  They do state the expectation then follow through.  And they avoid empty threats by making certain that what they say they will do, they are actually willing to do and able to do.  Let’s take a look.

Emotion coaches are predictable:  

If you’re begging your child to get dressed, take a bath, turn off the television or do his homework, there’s a strategy for you.  Be predictable.  When there isn’t an established point in the day to do these things, every time you direct your child to do one, it’s a surprise which immediately sends him into the “red zone” and sets you up for a power struggle.   

So the first thing you can to do in order to stop begging is to create a predictable routine.  That way, both you and your child know what to expect.  For example, you might always get up in the morning,  use the toilet, get dressed, comb hair and then have breakfast.  The television NEVER goes on.  Or, after school, you always have a snack, do homework for 30 minutes and then play until dinner.  Your child quickly learns that you do not move on to the next thing until the present step is completed.  There’s no fighting about turning off and on the television, or going to a friend’s house before homework has been started because you always do the same thing.  Okay, so sometimes there’s a “monkey” day when things are different but those are the exception rather than the rule.  We know for some you this is “natural” and for others it’s an internal wrestling match because you love flexibility and spontaneity.  Those are valuable traits too, but when it comes to daily routines they can get you into trouble.  

Emotion coaches stop to ask, “What’ up?”  

Once you have your routine in place, if one morning your child suddenly resists or falls apart, it’s so much easier to recognize the “red flag” that something is “up.”  Making it exponentially simpler to put on the brakes, give the calming hug and ask, “What’s up?”   Taking time to listen and calm opens your child to working with you and you never have to beg.  

Emotion coaches say it once then follow through.  

Ever get tired of repeating yourself?  “Emma it’s time to leave.  Emma, I’m going to the car now.  Emma…" Emotion coaches know how to avoid this frustration too.  When you ask your child to do something, include what you will do if she chooses not to comply.  Like, “Emma, it’s time to go.  You can choose to walk to the car, or I will choose to carry you.  I’m going to count to three and if you do not choose to walk, I know you are choosing for me to carry you."  Then you count and if she doesn’t walk out you let her know she made a choice and pick her up.  Even if she says she’ll now do it now, it’s critical that you do what you said you would do.  She had fair warning of what the choice was so now there’s no second chance.  Rather than being “mean” this actually is reassuring to your child that you do what you say you will do.  You can be trusted.  

So next time you find yourself down on your knees in front of that little three foot general begging for compliance, stand up, throw those shoulders back and know there really is a better way.  

You can choose to be an emotion coach!

When your child yells at you: Expecting and teaching respectful behavior

Perhaps it was the foot stomp punctuating the shrill rebuttal to your simple question that caught your attention today.   Lately, it seems “normal” has been your child shrieking at you every time you ask her to do anything. How did this happen?  You’re five feet eight inches tall and thirty-five years old.  She’s four-years-old, 3 feet tall and weighs in at 37 pounds yet you’re jumping like a marionette puppet every time she barks an order. You’ve tried telling her not to speak to you that way, but that only resulted in a bigger scene.  The idea of washing her mouth out with soap has also crossed your mind, but your friend tried it and her daughter is still sounding like a “tough” off the docks.  It’s occurring so frequently now you’ve given up trying to change it and instead rush to grant her what she wants just to quiet her down.  But this is feeling lousy.  Does it really have to be this way?

An emotion coach treats children respectfully but she also expects respect.  

Healthy relationships are reciprocal.  That means the emotion coach will respond sensitively and courteously, but she will also insist that her child will be respectful too.
So when your child’s tone strikes you wrong or she rolls her eyes at you as she slaps away the snack you’ve just offered her, stop and teach your child to be respected and respectful.  Here’s what it looks like.

1.  Clarify your expectations:  If you have a foundational sense of what behaviors are acceptable and which ones are not, you will be more confident working with your child.  Lynn and I have our guideline.

If a behavior is:

• Unsafe
• Hurtful
• Or disrespectful to self, others or the environment
• It’s the adult’s job to stop it.

Clear expectations eliminate the quandary you might face wondering is this “normal development?”  Or, can I really expect my child to speak to me in a respectful tone.  If it feels disrespectful to you – it is and it needs to be addressed.  No question about it.  No need to doubt yourself or wonder if you’re being “mean” or too demanding.

2.  Connect:  This is unacceptable behavior, but before the teachable moment can occur you’ve got to draw your child to you and calm her enough so that she can look at you and hear your words.  That requires saying something such as:

• “I’m listening.  
• I think you have something important to say.  
• Let’s try that again.  Say it in a way that makes me want to listen.” 

If she hasn’t the faintest idea of how to speak respectfully, you may have to give her the words.  For example, “Thank you mom, but I don’t care for any right now.”  Or, “Mom, may I please have a choice?”
Or, “Mom, may I please have a few more minutes?”

3. Wait:   If your child’s response is to snort in disapproval or turn away from you refusing to respond, don’t push.  Instead simply say,

• “We’ll wait. 
• When you are ready to ask me in a way that makes me want to listen, I will give it to you.”

We know you’re thinking just a minute, she’s yelling at me and I’m going to give her what she wants.  Isn’t that just reinforcing poor behavior?  Remember you’re teaching her to ask respectfully which means it has to be reinforced when she does.  This is not going to always be the case.  Once she’s speaking respectfully to you, you will move into problem solving with her so that both of your interests are addressed, but initially you’re simply teaching her to begin the conversation respectfully.  This is a first step- not the final one.

4. Don’t turn it into a power struggle:  If you have the child who is committed to her goals it can take her a long time to unlock when you first insist the language and tone change.  A way to teach without drawing this out is to give her a choice.

• “Would you like to say it this way, or would you like to listen while I say it?” 
• If she asks that you say it, do so, then add, “Next time I know you’ll try harder to remember to say it that way.”  

Once again we suspect your brain is screaming, Come on, give me a break!  Now I’m saying it and she’s getting what she wants?  But remember as an emotion coach your goal is clear in your mind – you are modeling and teaching respectful communication.  You know there will be a similar situation in the near future, and when that occurs you can say to her,

• “Let’s try that again.”  
• “Remember how we talked about saying it in a way that makes others want to listen?”  

We know it’s difficult to believe, but your child will actually say it because she’s not feeling backed into a corner.   If she doesn’t once again, you’ll remind her that “You’ll wait, and once she asks courteously you’ll give it to her.”

5. Expect respect with siblings and peers:  The same expectation remains in place for how your child treats other children.   When your child shouts, “No, that’s mine, you can’t have it.”  Intervene; say to her, 

• “I will help you.”
• “I think you have something important to tell your sister.”  
• “Say it in a way that makes her want to listen.”  

Then teach her to say,

• “I’m not finished yet.”  
• Or, “I do not want to share this.”  
• Or, “I need fifteen more minutes, and then you can have it.”  

Can you expect respect?  Absolutely, in fact we believe that it’s critical because your child is watching, listening and experimenting, in an attempt to discover how you treat people.   Expecting your child to speak to you respectfully is just as important as you treating him respectfully.  Doing so lays the foundation for all of his future relationships.  

It’s worth taking the few minutes to stop, connect and teach that everyone deserves to be treated respectfully.

Halloween

Tips for Halloween, Ghosts, Goblins and Emotion Coaching:

Building the Relationship that Keeps Your Child Working with You

Whoppers, Milk Duds, Snickers and more tumble out of your child’s trick or treat bag.  He’s ecstatic.  It’s a candy stash for a year!  All you can think about are the cavities that are likely to develop and more immediately how you are going to keep him from devouring the entire pile without turning this “holiday” into one huge power struggle.   Emotion coaching can be your survival aid.

Often it’s assumed that emotion coaching is something you do only when your child is upset.  But emotion coaching is actually a relationship style. 

It’s a way of interacting every day, during both the good times and the more challenging ones.  So what does emotion coaching look like at Halloween?

An emotion coach takes time to plan for success.

That means setting aside a few minutes to predict what might be potential issues.  Let’s do a little brainstorming: 

• Instead of thinking costumes are fun your child might freak out when he sees the strange characters 

        showing up at your door.  

• And then there is the candy.  What are you going to do with it?  Does your child get to eat it all?  Do 

        you give it away?  Are you planning on snitching all the Whoppers – like I’d want to do?  

• Halloween parties can be a blast, but what if they’re scheduled in the middle of nap time or long past 

        bedtime, do you attend anyway? 

• If your child is older she may push for independence, declaring that only “little kids” trick or treat with 

        their parents. She wants to go with her friends without adult supervision.  Do you allow it?  

• You love trick or treating and having a child has now given you license to knock on doors once more.  You can’t wait to go out and sweep the entire neighborhood for goodies.  That’s when your sweet little guy whispers “I don’t want to trick or treat.  I just want to stay home and give out candy to the other kids.”       

Think about your child.  Knowing his/her personality what issues might arise during this holiday for him?  

Predicting the potential trouble spots gives you time to think about what skills and character traits you want to help your child develop through this experience.

When you know where you’re going it’s easy to put together a plan for success with your child.     

Let’s take a look: 

Afraid of costumes:    I’ll never forget one of the first open houses I planned at our early childhood family education center.  It included a visit from a local clown service.   At the time my daughter was only three years old. She took one look at that clown, burst into tears and adamantly refused to enter the center. Months afterward she continued to ask each time she visited, “Is he going to be there?”  Of course her brother would shout, “Yes” triggering a burst of tears.    

When a child is afraid it’s easy to discount her emotions or to try and talk her out of them.   

“There’s nothing to fear.”  “He won’t hurt you.”  “You’re okay. “ Or even a bit of shaming, “Don’t be a baby.”  

But as an emotion coach this is an opportunity to practice really listening to your child and describing not minimizing what’s frightening.

When she tells you that the big hat is scary you can simply concur, “He was wearing a very big hat.”   Or, if she doesn’t like his eyes, “Yes, his eyes were different.”  You’re not fueling the fear, nor are you playing it down, you are merely listening and seeking understanding.  It is impossible to talk your child out of a fear, but you can support her through the process of managing it, by staying with her, listening and respecting her experience.

Candy:  Lynn and I both love the candy.  It offers such great opportunities for emotion coaching.  

You might begin with a lesson in delayed gratification.

Making a plan ahead of time with your child that after he’s collected his goodies he can choose 10 pieces to keep.  Then stay out of it.  Allow him to make the choice to savor one a day or eat it all at once.  He’ll quickly learn that being impulsive can lead to a tummy ache and the misery of having to watch his sister who chose to ration hers, enjoy it day after day.   

You can also take this further for a lesson in establishing clear limits.

Once you’ve decided together BEFORE he goes out the door, how many pieces of candy he’ll be keeping, you can also determine what the consequences will be if he suddenly decides AFTER collecting the candy that he no longer agrees with the plan.  Is it up for negotiation?  Or, does complaining indicate a choice to lose all of the candy?  

The ultimate decisions you make are not as important as the process of working together and teaching your child that once something is agreed upon it is vital that both parties can be trusted to follow through.  Your child learns that you as an emotion coach can be trusted to do what you said you would do – even if it means all of the candy disappears this year!  (Remember this has to be clear ahead of time and seen as a follow through, not a surprise “punishment.”)  An emotion coach is not always “nice” but she is dependable and trustworthy, which is much more important for a child’s sense of security. 

Just for the fun of it the candy can also offer wonderful opportunities for counting, sorting by type, size and color, negotiating with siblings for favorites and if given away, caring for others.  

Going with friends without immediate adult supervision: 

She’s only ten years old but she’s preparing you for adolescence with this request.  

Before you scream, “No!” be an emotion coach, stay connected and recognize a super opportunity to practice problem solving.

Begin by seeking understanding.  What is important to her?   Breathe deeply, keep your cool, it’s true there are dangers out there and you’re going to get to address them in a minute, but first hear her out.  Once you can clarify that she wants an opportunity to demonstrate her independence and trustworthiness, you get to state your concerns.  Let her know, you have to know she’s safe.  That means staying with a group of at least five people, staying within a specified boundary, staying in communication and ending at a specified time.  What’s important to you may also depend on her previous experience. Children in New York take public transportation to school.  Their experience is going to be significantly different from that of a child who has never crossed a street alone.  

Once both of your interests are on the table the brainstorming begins and continues until you come up with a win/win solution, you both find acceptable.   If she’s unwilling to discuss it with you, she doesn’t get to go. At the same time you have to loosen the strings a bit, she needs practice with the “little issues” so she’s prepared for the future, when the experiences and concerns are much more complex.  (Like boy/girl sleep overs)  

Together you’ll be exploring trustworthiness, responsibility, problem solving and team work.

Don’t deny yourselves this opportunity by refusing to even discuss the matter.  You’ll be asking her to address your concerns.  Does she have five friends to go with?  Is she willing to communicate?  Will she remain within the designated area?   Will she honor the curfew?  If she decides she does not want to address your concerns, she has decided not to go, rather than you deciding that she can’t.  If your child is willing to meet your expectations you can feel comfortable letting her go.  Either way you stay connected because you made the decision together.  

You do not want to move into adolescence with a child who is feeling disconnected from you.  

The little guy who prefers to stay home to hand out the treats:

The emotion coach’s answer response is likely to vary depending on your values.  If you believe being able to knock on someone’s door is an essential life skill, then you may decide to coach your child through this. 

 You’ll want to help him be successful by breaking down the process into easily accomplished steps. 

Perhaps instead of canvassing the entire neighborhood you simply agree that he’ll “trick and treat” at his best friend’s house, or grandma’s and then can return home to give out the candy.  

Or, you might simply say, “You know you’re just like your dad and I love him too.”  Both of you will be much happier greeting people at our door than traipsing through the neighborhood.  

Appreciating who has come to live with you is an important trait of emotion coaches.

Bedtime and Parties Scheduled During Sleep Time:  

Your reply is going to depend on the age of your child, their ability to “recover” when sleep deprived and what’s happening after the event.  Halloween is in the middle of the week this year which means school is in session the next day.   We won’t spend too much time on this one because we wrote an earlier blog on Making an Exception – check it out.   But once again the emotion coach realizes this is an opportunity to help her child understand her body’s needs, to be flexible and when there is a change in routine to “plan for success.”  

Happy Halloween!  Choose to connect!

Do punishments teach? Does a child need to suffer to learn?

Your child dumps his cereal bowl on the floor.  The four year old knocks down the two year old.  You tell your child he can’t buy something and now he’s screaming at the top of his lungs in the middle of the store.

You find yourself tackling your daughter to get her dressed.  What do all of these things have in common, other than incidents that make you crazy as a parent?  All involve a choice.  How will you respond?
Obviously you want to stop these behaviors and teach your child that this behavior is inappropriate.  The question is does your child have to be miserable to learn these lessons?

In every discipline situation you have a choice to punish or to be an emotion coach and teach. 

Odds are you grew up being punished for these offences.  That’s what you are most accustomed to but does a child or anyone for that matter; really have to experience pain, or shame and guilt to learn?  Answering that question requires knowing the difference between punishment and emotion coaching.

Let’s take a look at the cereal dumped on the floor.  Everyone would agree this is unacceptable behavior and both strategies would move in to stop it.  But how one approaches the child and what one says and does next is different.  

If you’re using punishment the focus is on the child as a “bad person.”

You want the child to know he is being “naughty” and he’s not to do it again.  You might even slap his hand so that “he hurts” and remembers this message, then demand that he get a cloth and help to wipe it up.  After that he might be sent to his room to “think about” his offense.  Or a privilege may be taken away so he’s miserable and learns NOT to do this again.  

It’s true in this approach the inappropriate behavior has been stopped.  Steps have been taken to teach responsibility, both of which are good things.  Too often however, the next morning the same thing happens again because the underlying feeling or need was never addressed.  When the punishment is repeated your child feels angry and hurt and you feel lousy too.  Emotion coaching offers you an alternative to this discouraging cycle.   

An emotion coach would also move in to stop this behavior.   But as she does so she’s not thinking this is a bad child that needs to “hurt” in order to be stopped.

Instead she’s taking a long deep breath to calm herself and changing that self talk to, “My child is experiencing a feeling or need which he does not know how to express appropriately.  I can teach him how.”

As a result her brain is kicking in to the investigative mode.  What is he feeling?  Is he finished, but doesn’t know how to tell me that?  Is he attempting to get my attention?  Is he discovering what happens when you dump a bowl of cereal?  Does he like watching the dog dash into the kitchen and lick it up?  If he’s a toddler did I teach him to throw but forgot to teach him how to hand me something? 

This self talk changes what happens next.  As she reaches her child she does take his hand to stop him from sloshing more milk off the tray or table, but she does not slap it.  Instead she holds it and starts asking questions.  “What’s up?”  “Are you finished?”  “Did you want the dog to come?”  “Do you need mom’s attention?”  She’s watching her child carefully trying to figure out what he’s attempting to communicate by dumping the bowl.  If he’s an older child he’ll be able to tell her.  

That’s when she can then teach by responding.  “Stop, say, “All done.”  And then she invites him to practice saying those words.

She picks up the bowl, hands it to him and says, “Let’s try it, ‘All done.’”  Her child actually repeats the words as he hands her the bowl.  Then she helps him get down, offers him a sponge and together they clean up the mess. When it’s finished she reminds him – next time you are finished.  You say, “All done.”  Not only has the child learned the rules, but he’s also been given words to communicate what he wanted to say so next time he’s finished he can use them instead of dumping his bowl.  

Now all learning takes practice. So the next morning the emotion coach makes a decision to really stay engaged with her child as he eats.  No, checking her e-mail or Facebook account.   This is not easy to do, but she’s making a conscious effort.  

When he shows signs of being almost finished, she reminds him, “When you are done, you can hand mom your bowl and say, ‘All done.’”  She stays tuned in, watching closely.   

If he begins to slide the bowl toward the corner she reaches out her hand to stop it and repeats – “All done” as she removes it from the table.  If he screams insistent that he is not finished she may choose to hand it back to him but…

She concretely sets a limit.  “If I see you push the bowl to the edge of the table – which she points to so she knows he understands what she is talking about – then I will know you are finished and remove your bowl.  You can choose.”  

He looks right at her and very slowly nudges the bowl to the edge.  It teeters there.  He smiles.  And that’s when the emotion coach says, “I see the bowl is touching the edge and that you are choosing to be done.” 

Then she picks it up and takes it away. That’s when he screams.  “I’m not finished.”  And she says, “I’m sorry.  You made a choice.   Next time you can make a different choice.”  He protests, but much less than expected because he’s just discovered, mom takes the bowl when you move it to the edge of the table.  

It was easy for mom to follow through; because she knew he understood what was going to happen. 

• He had been forewarned.  
• He was making a choice.  
• She also wasn’t worried that he’d be too hungry, because in about 2 to 2.5 hours she’d be giving him a “mini meal” snack which would include protein, carbohydrates, fruit/vegetables and a little fat.

So the day goes on.  No one is angry.  No one has been shamed.  Mom is confident she’s taught good manners.  

Her child has learned that mom does what she said she would do.  

• He can trust her. 
• The lesson was clear, but not harsh.  
• No one was hurt physically or emotionally.

Yet he now knows when you are finished, you say, “All done.”  And what happens if you try to “dump cereal” is that the bowl goes away.  Yes it took a few minutes longer the first time but it doesn’t have to be repeated 50 more times with little to no results.  The emotion or need fueling the behavior was addressed. The appropriate words and actions have been learned and most importantly mom and son are still connected, working together.  

No one is angry, because no one is hurt.

So here are a few more examples.  

	Punishment	Emotion coach
Four year old knocks down the 2 year old	Stops behavior May jerk or grab the 4 year old Screams stop it or “no” Sends to time out Or spanks	Moves in to stop the behavior Holds 4 year old firmly but not harshly Asks, “What did you want to tell her?” Teaches words and actions to use next time she wants to tell her sister that. Practices with her the words and actions she wants her to use.
Child screams in the store when told “no”	Spanks the child Grabs the child and roughly hauls him out of the store Takes away a privilege or times the child out when they get home	Bends down to the child. Says, “I’m listening.” “I will help you.”  Guesses what the child was feeling or needing.   Did you really want that toy?  Does that look like fun? When the child calms – which he will do because he realizes the adult is trying to understand – a conversation can occur.  “You would really like that toy. I’m worried about the cost.  What could we do?” Together they brainstorm possible win/win solutions. What if we add it to your birthday gift request list? The next time before entering the store the emotion coach reminds the child that this is not a buying trip.  If he sees something that he likes, he can have mom/dad put it on his birthday list, but they won’t be buying. If he cries in the store, mom will count to three if he has not chosen to stop they will leave.  Then she does it.
Tackling your daughter to get her dressed	Wrestles the child into an outfit May slap her hand or bottom Finds both of them in tears or shouting. Child removes item parent put on as soon as she is free.	Stops trying to dress the child. Instead quietly asks, “What’s up?” Guesses what the child may be feeling.  Are you sad to be leaving mom – (getting dressed means going to school)  What could we do?  What if we put these things on and then snuggle and read before we go. Teaches – next time you are sad to leave mom you can say, “Mom, I’m sad please hold me.”  Practices those words with her child.  The next day take time to snuggle before getting dressed.

Each of these examples demonstrate situations in which a child is experiencing a feeling or need that he does not know how to express appropriately and respectfully.  Think about it.  The child who dumps the cereal – potentially does not know how to say, “No, thank you.  I don’t care for any.”  The four year old may be wishing to say, “I’m not ready to share,” but doesn’t yet have the words.  The child who refuses to take no for an answer doesn’t know you can be a problem solving family and the little one you’re tackling to get dressed, hasn’t figured out yet how to say, “It’s so hard to leave you, mom.”  

Every discipline situation you face rather than requiring a punishment is an opportunity to teach your child what he is feeling or needing and what words and actions may be used to express them more appropriately.

This is called emotion coaching and the research demonstrates that understanding your own emotions and what to do with them as well as being able to read and empathize with the feelings of others is essential for success in life.

If you’d like to have well mannered children, who are more self controlled, cooperative, flexible and competent and be a problem solving family choose to be an emotion coach.  

Tips for Making an "Exception" to Your Routine

• What if you just don’t want to go home for bed or naptime?
• It’s just not convenient, you’re having fun and don’t want to stop.
• You know if you leave the other adults present will glare at you for catering to your child, and question
        why you have to be so “rigid.”
• The predictability of your schedule is beginning to feel like a straight jacket squeezing every drop of
        spontaneity out of your life.

Does it really matter if sleep times move an hour to two?  

Unfortunately, the answer is yes. So think carefully before making an exception. 

Within each of us is a “body clock” which tells us when to sleep and when to be awake.  It runs on a 25 hour cycle so you have to “set it” with regular wake, sleep and meal times, exercise at the “right time” – not before bed and limited exposure to screen time in the evening.

Research demonstrates that even more detrimental to our well being than lack of sleep is an erratic schedule.

That’s because if your child falls asleep at 7:00 PM during the week, but on weekends stays up until 10:00 it’s as though he’s flying from New York to California every weekend.  It creates “jet lag” making it much more difficult for the brain to know when to fall asleep.

It’s true; some children are temperamentally more flexible than others and may seem to tolerate this better than others.  These children of course belong to your friends who are criticizing you for being so “picky” about bedtime.  In reality however, even those children suffer from the effects of jet lag, it’s just not quite as apparent.

So how do you maintain a regular schedule that protects your child’s sleep without losing all spontaneity in your life or being constantly criticized for being too rigid?

• First remember that firm is a synonym for rigid and it is a good thing.  It creates for your child
        clear boundaries and a sense of trust. Regardless of their temperament all children instead of finding a
        predictable routine restrictive feel calmed by it.   Unpredictability tends to trigger insecurity.

• Secondly, make a plan and be creative – WAIT, before you groan in dismay if you are the type of
        person who feels strangled by schedules and plans let us explain.   In your schedule designate your
        sleep and meal times but BETWEEN those times allow as much flexibility as you please.  So when your         friend calls and asks if you’d like to meet for lunch, which you know will spill over into your child’s
        naptime, you can quickly suggest a breakfast outing instead.  If you have an infant who may be napping
        in the morning why not try a late afternoon stroll to the park.   If there is a choice between weekend  
        and weeknight swim lessons, choose the weekend and eliminate the next morning battles trying to get
        out of bed.

        o Just let the kids know what’s happening in the next hour.  Remember they’re not mind readers
                and while you know what you want to do and what might happen once you get there– they don’t
                – for them, it’s a case of “get in the car – trust me.”  Just be “firm” about your sleep routine in
                order to have a calm day.  The rest can be more flexible.

        o Having a plan also makes it easier to know when to make doctor appointments, sign up for
                activities or classes, or schedule family celebration meals.  Thanksgiving dinner at 4:00 PM
                protects your child’s nap and allows the cook to start the turkey at a reasonable hour instead of
                4:00 AM.  Doing so even protects the adults’ sleep too which puts everyone in a better mood.

• Third, spirited children tend to have spirited relatives who do not adapt easily to changes in 
        their plans.   Sometimes exceptions may need to be made.  When that is the case, try this guideline.

•         Limit “exceptions” to your routine to three times a month.

                  • Vacation and major life events may count as one

•         Avoid making exceptions for:

                  • Shopping
                  • Staying out with friends
                  • Being at a party and having fun
                  • Getting distracted by the TV or computer and as a result losing track of time
                  • Losing track of time because doing so doesn’t fit your temperament

If we lived in the Netherlands this would all be much easier.  There protecting children’s sleep is a cultural value.  You won’t see children out during nap time or later than the designated 7:00 PM sleep time.  Unfortunately in other areas of the world, we often brag about how little sleep we can get by on, not knowing the costs to our health and well being.

So despite your best efforts there will be times when you have to say, “We’re leaving.”  Knowing full well you’ll be talked about and disparaged for the next two weeks, but this is where you must remember.

If you don’t go your child will fall apart and be the one judged instead of you.  

Be fair to your child; take the “hit.” 

You can handle it more easily than she can.  Focus on your child and her needs.   Be confident in your own decision.  You can offer an apology, but even if it’s not approved of, you have protected your child.

When and How to “Give in:” Modifying a Routine

Nineteen month old Ava typically enjoyed a few minutes of rocking in her mother’s arms, and then reached toward the crib signaling she was ready to go in, whereupon she would promptly fall asleep.  That was it.     That’s all it took for her bedtime routine.  But on this night she did not reach for the crib and instead clung to her mom’s neck pleading for more rocking.  Mom continued rocking then tiptoed toward the crib with Ava in her arms.  Near panic screams halted her movement.  Back to the chair she went repeating the process 5 times – without success. Finally with both of them exhausted mom laid Ava in her bed and they went to sleep.  But the next day she contacted us worried she’d made a major mistake and started a “bad habit.”   She hadn’t.  

One of the benefits of maintaining predictable routines is that when they don’t work it’s a “red flag” that something is wrong.

Your child maybe stressed, ill or experiencing a major growth spurt or something else.

We asked mom if anything had occurred that might have upset Ava.  She thought for a moment before replying, “We were at a birthday party that afternoon.  She missed her nap and her dad was traveling which he doesn’t usually do.”  There it was – life – the stuff that we cannot completely control. The “junk” which can innocently push children and us into the “red zone” of tense energy, making it much more difficult to settle and sleep even with the best of routines.  

We assured Mom that she had not made a mistake.  Instead she had made an astute “modification” to her routine.  

So how do you know when the “best choice” is to make changes when everyone – including Lynn and me - are constantly preaching be predictable?  Keep your routines consistent.

1. First you have to have a predictable routine in place, one which works smoothly the majority of the time.  If that’s in place, when your child does not respond in the way she normally does, you can easily recognize something is up.   This is an unusual reaction.  

But how do you distinguish a real “issue” worthy of modification from a child’s “test” of the limits?  

2.  Investigate.  First you can make small adjustments to the existing routine.  Follow the same order but lengthen or shorten segments depending on what’s happening. This is what mom did.  Rocking was a normal piece of their routine, she simply extended the time to add more soothing and calming.  The sequence remained the same.  No steps were skipped.      

Yet despite these adjustments it still was not enough to calm Ava.  Five attempts proved this fact.   It’s true, Ava’s protests could still be a “test” and we may indeed need to persist, but after 3-5 cracks at it, rather than continuing to pound your head against the wall it’s time to evaluate what’s been going on.

3. Reflect on the day or even the week, what’s been happening that might explain a change in your child’s behavior?  Have there been disruptions that made her day unpredictable?  Is a parent stressed, traveling, ill or working longer than normal hours?  When it’s blatantly clear, as in this situation that there are contributing factors you know this is not simply a “test.”  Your child really is in the “red zone” and needs more help and support calming.  

4.   Know your goal.  It was late.  Mom was single parenting.  She was exhausted and getting frustrated and so was Ava.  At this point it’s important to dig down to the basics.  What’s the bottom line in all of this? Of course it’s sleep for everyone.  

5.  A clear goal allows you to explore potential solutions that are workable and acceptable to you.  Yes, we know you’re cringing right now, thinking, “My spirited child would never let me get away with doing something different just one time.”   The persistent child may need a little more nudging but at 10:00 at night, rather than allowing yourself and your child to become even more upset – call it a day and do what it takes to let everyone get the sleep they need.  Talk with your child. Explain that tonight “something is up” and you are “modifying and amending” the routine.  It doesn’t mean the changes will be permanent.  

6.  The next day return to your routine.  Expect success.  (If it’s a major stress it may be longer but we’ll address that later.)  That’s what mom did.  Dad had returned from his trip, Ava napped well and the normal routine was implemented.  The tendrils of stress however, still lingered in her system so there were a few bumps.  Ava insisted that mom rather than dad put her to bed and adamantly repeated, “Rock, rock, rock." The usual 10 minutes extended to 30 and even then when mom strode toward the crib Ava protested.  But after mom laid her down and left the room, the complaints stopped abruptly.  Monitor in hand, even before she reached the kitchen mom saw that Ava quickly dropped to the mattress and went to sleep.   She did however, wake an hour early.  But the following night, after a good nap and thanks to the sound routine in place, dad was able to put Ava into her bed.  After the usual few minutes of rocking Ava reached for her crib and went into it without a peep.  She slept until her normal wake time.   

Why did this go so smoothly?  

Routine gives children a sense of security and trust.

Despite their occasional protests they really do appreciate the predictability and emotional safety they provide.  So after unusually high stress levels have required you to make a modification, once those needs are addressed, your child is perfectly willing to go back to her “familiar and comforting” routine.  

7.  Adjust your perspective.  Research demonstrates that most effective parents are picking up the cues of their children and responding sensitively.  This is not giving in.  It’s taking time to think before you say something so that what you say is what you are going to follow through with and feel comfortable doing so. It’s making a decision based on reflection and a little detective work to understand the “fuel source.”  

Modifying your routine only happens rarely.

If it’s happening every day or even once a week, this is not a modification it’s unpredictability.  

If you are a persistent person it can be very difficult to “adjust.”  

Commitment to your goals is an asset, but it’s also critical to step back and take a look at the “whole” picture.  When you do, you will know when it’s time to modify your routine.  That’s what emotion coaches do.

Next time we’ll talk about the “exception” to your routine – when you’re out and having fun and just for today want to skip that nap time or shoot for a later bedtime.  

The Dreaded Public Meltdown: What do I do now?

Summer is supposed to fun.  Time to be outside, visit family, attend festivals and fairs or go the beach but it also makes us even more vulnerable to those dreaded public melt down moments.  
How does an emotion coach respond when it feels like EVERYONE is watching?  

Luckily the answer is: It’s all the same.  You don’t have to come up with a new or different strategy.  The 5’C’s and the Re-do remain unchanged.  Let’s show you how.  

Perhaps on this day you’ve gone to the fair.  It’s been a delightful morning, visiting the animal barns, plunging through the sky on the carnival rides and trying your skills at the game booths. But then the kids start getting crabby and picking on one another. That’s when you notice its long past lunch time so you haul the kids off to the food court where you order burgers for everyone.   

Despite the late hour things seem to be going well, when to your horror; the vendor cuts your child’s hamburger in half before handing it to him.  A lightning bolt of dread strikes your gut.  

Your brain clicks into motion; late lunch, over stimulating environment and now the dreaded “surprise.” This is clearly the perfect storm for a meltdown.

You know what’s coming before the first foot stomp or scream of protest.  Heat streaks through your body.  You are not about to buy another burger simply because this one has unexpectedly been cut in half.  But what do you do now?  Everyone is watching!  

Stay calm.  You can do it.  You can be an emotion coach.

Begin with your own perspective.  

Forget the strangers.  What’s most important is your relationship with your child.  You are not powerless in this situation.  Your response truly will change your child’s.  He’s not doing this to embarrass you or make you look inept.  He’s flooded and needs your help.  Once you’re centered you are ready to move into the steps of emotion coaching.  

1. Cues:  Pick up the cues.  

Okay so we’ve missed the cues on this one.  You were having so much fun that you innocently forgot to monitor the level of stimulation in the crowds, the noise, smells, bright lights and pressing of strangers bodies that started fueling this whole event.  Flying from one activity to the next you even missed a break for snack.  Or, maybe you’d made a conscious decision to push it a little this time.  I mean really, after waiting in line for 20 minutes to reach the boarding gate for the roller coaster would you ever consider saying, “Hey guys it’s our lunch time.  Let’s forget this and grab something to eat instead?”   No one would be willing to bet that such an attempt would go well.  But checking the cues – even at this point,  when everyone is already in the “red zone “ still  helps you to recognize this isn’t just about the sliced burger – there’s more that’s fueling the melt down.  

2. Connect and Calm:  

Since the “fuel” has already been ignited and it appears as though your child has just ingested a double shot of espresso you can expect it’s going to take longer to bring him back.  Those 
piercing looks from strangers aren’t helping either, so find a quiet, private place to work this through. The younger your child the more important it is to try and make your “quiet spot” consistent. Pick a place that is always possible to reach, like your car or a restroom and know if there’s a meltdown when you are out in public, that’s where you’ll go.  You’ll teach your child that this is the plan.  It makes it so much easier when you know where you can go.   

Of course the simple act of trying to move your child to this space may often result in shrieks of protest.  If that’s the case and your child is small enough that you can carry her, then pick her up and go.  If you didn’t drive or it’s too far away go to a rest room find any spot that allows you to move away so you can focus on your child instead of grimacing under the pressure of the non-verbal jabs.   

For an older child that you can’t carry, you might give a choice by saying, “We need to work on this.  Where do you want to go?”  As you are talking, begin moving toward a quieter place.  

Okay, so you’ve convinced your child to move away from the counter to a better place, now what?  It depends on your child.  You have to know who you are working with.   If he’s little you might offer to hug him or let him sit on your lap for a while until he’s not so sad.  If he’s the type of child that only gets angrier if you try to touch him stay near but don’t attempt to make physical contact – even if that’s what would make you feel better!  

If he hits you or throws something, recognize that these actions may be telling you he needs space.  

You’re too close.  Try moving slightly away or even asking him, “Do you want me to sit here or there?”  If he continues to come after you, you’ll have to restrain him.  But think about what you do at home.  What calming strategies move him from the “red zone” of overload to the “green zone” of calm energy?  Use them. This is not “spoiling” or “giving-in.”  You’re helping him compose himself so he can work with you.   The more you become aware of your own actions and whether or not they escalate or de-escalate the situation the quicker your child will come back to the “green zone” and be ready to work with you.

3.  Cause:  Seek understanding.  What is he feeling or needing? 

Be empathic.  Listen to understand.  Be aware that in this situation the “sliced hamburger” is probably not the complete “fuel source” but you can start there.    “I know you really wanted your hamburger whole.  Or, “You’re so mad.  That was so disappointing.  I wish that wouldn’t have happened.” 

Remember you are not trying to convince him that this is not a big deal or that he needs to “get over it.”  

You’re just trying to understand what he’s feeling.

If he doesn’t respond or agree with your assumptions then ask questions.  “Did you have a different plan?”  “Did that surprise you?”  If it doesn’t seem to be about the hamburger think about what happened before.  “It was really noisy in here.”  “There were lots of people crowding us.”  Continue until you see and feel him relax.  That’s when you know you understand what he’s truly feeling or needing.  

4.  Clarify the issue:    

Once you feel that you understand you can re-state the issue and what’s important to him.   “I know you really wanted your hamburger whole.”   But don’t stop there.  

Your interest is also important.

You can choose whether to state it or simply know in your mind – throwing away a hamburger simply because it has been cut in half is wasteful and something you would not choose to do.  It’s critical that you take a moment and really think about what’s important to you in this situation because otherwise the ultimate solution may not feel good to you. When you understand what is truly vital to you then you can listen to your child and work with him but also insist that what is important to you be respected and considered as well.  

Your conversation might sound like this.  “I know you really wanted your hamburger whole.  We weren’t able to stop the vendor before he cut it.  You need to eat something.  I need to not spend more money.  What could we do?”   

5.  Collaborate:  Come up with a win/win solution 

This is where you are now teaching your child that you work together.  You’re listening to him. You are also asking him to listen to you.  Invite him to come up with 3 possible solutions to the problem.  If he emphatically declares, “You could buy me a new one.” Don’t get caught, simply respond, “That’s one idea can you think of two more?”  You can also remind him that you need to find a solution that makes him happy and does not cost you more money.  If he has no suggestions, decide whether you need to take a little longer break to calm down more.  Or, you might offer a few ideas yourself.  “Could I cut it in fourths so they all look the same?”  Or, “Do you want the snack we brought along?”  Or, “What if you ate one half at a time and pretended each was a whole?”  

The solution you come up with and how you do so is going to be influenced by the age of your child.  The older your child, the more you’ll coach him to come up with potential solutions himself.  If your child is a toddler you’ll want to offer a limited choice such as, “Do you want the hamburger or the snack we brought with us?”  Continue until you have a solution that works for both of you.  

Do NOT stop here.

Re-do – Go Back for the Teachable Moment 

Yes, the event has been resolved.  And we know you don’t want to rev things up again, but the true teachable moment comes in the re-do.  This may occur minutes after you’ve come up with a solution, or perhaps it’s not until the next day, but it is essential that you go back when everyone is calm and teach your child what to do next time he is surprised or disappointed.

Help him understand what he was feeling.  

“That was a surprise.  You had a different plan.” 

Clarify the expectation 

“Even when we’re surprised we don’t throw a fit or shout in public.” 

Teach him what words or actions you want him to use next time. 

“Next time you can say, “Mom, that’s not what I expected!”  Or, “Mom, could we please talk about this.  I like my hamburger whole.” 

Practice

Now actually practice with him.  If you’re there go back to the vendor and role play the situation. If you’re at home, act it out.  If your child is 3-6 it’s critical that you actually role play this.  If your child is older than six you may be able to simply state, “Next time that’s what I expect you will do.”  

So take these day to day situations and tell yourself, “I don’t have to get frustrated.  They really are an opportunity to teach my child essential life skills.”  

If you get stuck – send us your scenario and we’ll address it in a future blog.